Thursday, April 21, 2011

Twenty Pounds

Its now officially twenty pounds lost! I am back at the weight I've been for 3 years; granted its 10lbs over what I feel "better" at, I know that I can get down that far and beyond. I am eating super clean and I even exercised 1.5 hours on the elliptical yesterday. There is that fine balance between too much and just enough exercise, so I have to be careful about that.

I also tried on my trench and it fit! A little snug, but its always been a little snug. Its a size medium from Target, which are all really larges, so I count that as a large still. My clothes are starting to fit better and I dont have that huge uncontrollable muffin top all the time. Don't get me wrong, I still have a big muffin top, but its just not mammoth like it once was.

What is hard about this whole thing is that I still have 55 lbs to lose. It seems like such a small dent, but I think if I can stick to my 2lbs a week loss I can do it relatively quickly. That is if I can keep the momentum. My body does weird weird things when it gets down below 170 so I know I have to be patient, but its not been bad! I mean I constantly have to be vigilant, I don't really eat out much and I no longer drink wine. I have a full case just sitting there. It will have to wait until I am done with this because wine has a lot of calories that are empty and frankly the calories just aren't worth it. I've seldomly been drinking Bacardi and Diet Sprite or Diet Coke lately.

This next weekend is Easter and its going to be hard to resist the food that I will be exposed to. Its not so hard because I really do not like the food that my fiance's family likes, so it should not be bad. I am planning on bringing a big goat cheese, pepita, arugula and apple salad, so I simply plan on only eating that with 4 oz of turkey breast. I was thinking of baking something indulgent, but I will be tempted with my own food, so I think its smart to take healthy things like perhaps cut-up fruit for dessert/snacks/breakfast. I always have to make sure I bring my own food because my fiance's parents rarely have fruit or veggies- on hand that I can make a quick salad or whatever out of. They have things like lasagna and make things like french toast and strata for brunch. I make whole wheat pancakes and eggs/omlettes for brunch, which is much healthier. They have high metabolisms, so they can afford to eat like that since the men have physical jobs. I usually end up gaining weight when I go, but my new strategy to that has been hitting the grocery store and brining my own food...which is what I like anyway. I'd rather eat fruit and yogurt than almost anything else.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


It snowed today in Wisconsin - no shocker there, but mother nature has been jerking me around. First it was 80 degrees just a couple weeks back and now the sky is leaking snow/sleet and rain. Its annoying because I had just gotten into running again and now I have to wait until the weather improves to continue running.

Last night even though I had zero motivation, I went to the gym at 8:30 pm. I go to sleep early so this is really late for me. I did an hour workout on the elliptical and I got out of there quickly. I really think that moderate exercise while losing weight has been one of the factors that is helping with my weight loss. I am not hungry like I was when I exercised excessively. I try to workout at least 3 times a week and like it when I get it in 4 times. I really wish I could run outside because its so much easier to lace up my sneakers and get outside in the sun. Going to the smelly gym to be a hamster on the elliptical is not as fun. I just feel like its more natural to run -- there is a sense of accomplishment to say - hey I ran X miles today.

My mood has been better lately. Not perfect of course, but I have been happier and more positive lately. I have also not been as hard on myself as I normally am. I have high expectations of myself but I know I have to be patient with this weightloss. I am just 2 lbs away from the weight I was for 3 years. I gained a ton of weight when I graduated law school and took a month to vacation. I think the stress led to some overeating that I normally don't want to do. It led to a 20lb weight gain in ONE month! I know I should have gained like 5lbs but with hypothyroidism -- my body is just primed to gain if my meds aren't on point. I just found out that I am at the edge of "normal" but I think I needed an increase of medications, so I simply increased my own meds and now I am feeling ALOT better. Once I get to that point in 2lbs I think it will start to feel like real weightloss because right now I am uncomfortably overweight -- overweight like I haven't been in years.

My normal sized, tall boyfriend keeps telling me I am beautiful, but I just laugh and tell him he has love goggles. I mean, I am disgusted by my body and yet I still turn him on. I will never understand men. I am more visual than he is perhaps because I could never deal to be with someone that is as fat as me - but I think its probably just self-hate. Still, I don't and haven't ever eaten enough to be this size.

I just see how fat people eat and they have problems with emotional eating and food in general. I do eat more when I am stressed, but I think its because of the higher cortisol/stress levels rather than an emotional compulsion to just keep eating crap. I feel sorry for fat people and see it more as a mental disease -- its just a symptom for a lot of people. I on the other hand have struggled my whole adult life to eat healthy and I have been pretty good and consistent about it, so I am disgusted by fat people too since they just can't stop -- its the same way I feel abotu drug addicts -- I am disgusted but can understand the addiction.

I just can't relate to people on shows like the biggest loser where they compensate for something by eating. I never did that -- I don't have a huge problem, I mean we all have baggage but I just do not and it makes me angry that I look like I do -- I look like I have no self control when I eat so much better than almost all of the people around me. Honestly, if I did not care about what I ate, I would be like 300 lbs easily, but I am vigilant even when I am "maintaining" or not on a "diet". People say - oh its a lifestyle change -- I never had to change my lifestyle to lose weight -- I simply had to eat a lot less of the healthy stuff I had already been eating. Lame. I am still so angry about that -- that I will have loose skin when I lose weight and its not my fucking fault -- I've had insulin resistance/hypothyroidism since I was a kid!

I guess I am only angry because I saw a picture of myself at a wine tasting -- it was hideous - I had a huge double chin and as an adult I am just not used to seeing myself that way. Granted that was 18lbs ago, but still it just makes me so upset that I have to look like that when my triglycerides are amazing (because I eat so well), but my insulin is through the roof! I am going to take extreme measures to lose this weight -- I will try not to be unhealthy, but its going to take a lot of self-restraint not to undereat because I am just tired of being at this weight.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

One more lb

Nothing much to report except that I had a lazy weekend. I was away visiting my boyfriend's family so I got no exercise in. This next weekend I will be there as well, but this time I will pack some workout stuff so that I can either run or lift. I lost 2 lbs last week, but nothing yet this week. I wonder if I can make my 2lb goal.

If I really limit carbs I think I can do it. I've not had any bread since Sunday (had to eat sandwiches on Sat/Sun -- there was nothing else). I will not have bread unless I plan to run 5 miles. I've been having my regular eggs and cheese and yogurt and strawberries lunches.

My eating this weekend was not spectacular, but was not abysmal either. I had a sandwich for lunch on Saturday and Salad for dinner. On Sunday had a Sandwich for lunch/breakfast and then made a big salad for "linner" -- I had a grapefruit at night and didnt really eat dinner I guess. I just wasn't that hungry by the time it was bedtime so I didn't bother with a meal -- I just had small snacks like hummus.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Feeling Good

I am still feeling positive about this weight loss. Granted there are times I am disgusted with how I look, I am suprisingly positive. I am just so happy that I am losing weight at this rate. I really hope that the momentum continues. Only I have control over that, but my body does weird things when it gets down to a certain weight.

I went for another 5 mile "run" aka shuffle down the bike path. It was a pleasant beautiful day, but I have to remember to run before sundown so that the crazy lake bugs do not attack. I managed to evade most of them, but its gross to run into a giant swarm of bugs!

Today I am wearing gold cork 4 inch wedges from Dolce Vita for Target. Its my reward for losing weight. I dont understand how some people reward themselves with food when they lose weight -- it makes no sense to me. Once I have lost another pound (might be tomorrow since the scale is getting down there)I think I MIGHT indulge in some chicken tenders. I don't want to feel deprived. I don't really feel deprived this week because of all the DELICIOUS produce and fruit I got at Cost-Co. I won't be doing major carbs like I normally do -- I'll be getting chicken tenders or something. This low carb thing is really really panning out for me. Its not the typical low carb plan since I had bread before my run yesterday and acai juice afterwards, but its a "whole" grain low carb. I've really only eaten minimal bread and lots of fruit - I haven't had a ton of quinoa, oats or even sweet potatoes and I think that helps too. Those may be whole grains, but they are carby. I've not been eating a TON of fruit either except for a lot of berries, so my plan is really working for me.

I've done a bit of research and found out that low carb for apple shapes works best. They did a study where pear shapes and apple shapes went either on low carb or low fat. Both lost weight, but the apples kept the weight off best with the low carb plan - pears did ok with both plans. I am the poster child for apple shape -- no waist, no hips, smaller legs, fat arms and upper trunk. I am going for broke here. I've never felt so in control. Even when I lost weight the last time I was so desperate -- I was eating too many carbs -- lots of yogurt with artificial sweenteners. I was also running too much or conversely lifting too much and hence was ALWAYS starving. Still at that point I got down to 154. My new goal is 125. I want to be a size 4 or even a 2 if that works. I know to some people it might seem extreme, but I am an intense person with intense goals. I didnt get to be an attorney by settling for things.

Anyway, I have like one reader that comes back consistently -- it would be nice to get a comment.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Good Job!

Good Job! That's what a biker said to me as I was running on a bike/pedestrian trail. I do feel like its merited ;) I must have looked like I was struggling -- it is harder to run at this weight! I ran five miles and walked home from work. I had a really good day and guess what.....I lost a pound!! I now have a 2lb a week goal. I really really hope its realistic. This last week has been a lot easier given the dosage of medications I am on -- I am really positive and happy. I lost a lb even though I am on my period. This is big because whenver I've been on my period in the past meant that I gained 5lbs of water weight. Its so weird that it has not happened this time! I can never keep tabs on that -- it changes so much. I think I am down to normal in terms of testosterone according to my recent lab panels-- so perhaps that has something to do with it.

If I continue to lose weight at this rate I will reach goal in December! I KNOW this will not be the case since my body has plateaus, but most recently I've been able to power through them by simply eating less and exercising more. I also found out that the half marathon I wanted to run does not exist -- my friend told me there was a half marathon option and there is only a marathon option. I think I will train for it with her but I refuse to pay to run. Plus I have to raise like $300 for charity. The problem with that is 1) I hate asking people for money and 2) I work at a nonprofit where people are going to be laid off soon -- so thats a no-go. Either way I promised my friend I would do long runs with her. She runs a BIT faster than me, but she stops -- perhaps its good for me to push myself even though she stops. I can keep my own pace when I run on my own and build endurance and build speed when I run with her.

Lately I've been reading that exercise does not really help weightloss since people tend to eat more when they exercise. I think I have fallen prey to this in the past. I used to exercise like a crazy person -- at least 1.5 hours to 2 hours 5 days a week. I used to be SO hungry! I think I have more willpower with food now -- I sorta have to because I cant exercise that much! I've also been taking orlistat so that's been making my weightloss go even further. I don't eat much fat, but any little bit helps! I am going to ask my doctor to prescribe it to me so I dont have to keep paying for it! Anyway, I think this time around weightloss is about what I eat. I haven't really been eating snacks (unless its a pre-workout bar) and I only have been eating veggies and chicken or salads. I am happy eating what I am eating -- that was never the problem -- it was the time to exercise. Still, I hope I can keep this eating pattern strong. I've not cheated or even had a cheat day in like 3-4 weeks. I used to cheat once a week, but I find that I get sick when I eat foods like that. I prefer to eat one of my homemade cookies and keep the weightloss going. I still think that one cheat meal every couple of weeks is OK, but I have to wait until I actually "need" it. Right now I am going so so strong.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Holding Strong

Yesterday I made coconut "breaded" chicken with broccoli in coconut oil and butter. I've noticed that a higher fat content not only keeps me more sated, but its BETTER for my weightloss -- weird! I've always done the whole low fat thing, but without thought to whether it was a good fat or not. From what I've been reading, coconut oil and butter aren't all that bad for you. I am learning more about my body as I research the whole hypothyroid and insulin resistance thing. My diet resembles at times atkins, but it isn't because I eat as much fruit as I want. I guess I've recently been limiting my carbs quite a bit -- though that is more due to my desire to incorporate more veggiges into my diet.

I also recently ordered a cinnamon supplement. There is a study out there that finds that a gram of cinnamon extract a day helps regulate blood sugar for women with PCOS. Today I brought a couple chicken coconut tenderloins with a strawberry spinach salad -- Im excited to eat it! I think that being more into "food" in terms of cooking only helps my weightloss. There are times when I am not inspired and am not creative in the kitchen and I end up eating cereal or yogurt -- not as healthy as some cooked veggies and a protein!

I've recently set goals not only for my weight loss-- which I am pretty soft on since I think its going to take a year to get to my goal weight. I am trying to revamp my entire lifestyle. I'd like to de-clutter my small apartment - keep it clean and re-decorate a bit. This all points to the fact that I have time! (boo law school) But also that I have the desire for self-improvement. I think I'd like to become a weightloss coach -- or weightloss chef at some point but perhaps only "on the side" to my real job. I've also thought about real estate as a possible way to earn some extra income in California when I move there. I have decided to move back home to my parents home if I get a job in CA so that I can save money for a down payment -- I'd like to re-hab a home and resell it after a few years and upgrade. Anyway-- that is what is on my mind lately.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Yet ANOTHER pound!

I met my goal this week weightwise anyway. I didn't workout as much as I wanted to, but what's important is that I ran 5 miles on Saturday and ran/walked 5 miles on Sunday. I've really been eating clean.

I also made a huuuge trip to costco -- I really think they have great produce for great prices. I am excited to get cooking with all the food that I have!!!

This is really making me happy... all the strict dieting is really working for me. I still cant believe I lost two pounds this week! I am simply gushing with enjoyment. So far I've met my goals except for Splenda -- I bought another big box from cost-co. I only use it in my coffee, but I do need to move away from artificial sweeteners. Right now I just cant afford the calories.

I've decided to run a half marathon -- not a full one because I think the training is too hard on the body! Its going to be in October in DC so I have all summer to train and beat my personal best of one hour and fifty something minutes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Another lb!

One more pound lost! I haven't tried very hard on the exercise front this week, so this is surprising. Yesterday I had a pretty balanced day meal-wise but did have a couple of indulgences. I had oatmeal at breakfast, chicken spinach salad at lunch with a butter breadstick (I know -- they put it in the container and I just had no self control -- it was soooo goood.) For dinner I had flat out wrap "pizza" and a spinach strawberry salad and two cookies -- one after work and one after dinner. I know I ate a lot and wasnt expecting to lose, but it felt balanced at least despite the cookies and the breadstick.

Today I started my day wtih strawberries, wild blueberries and oatmeal. I will be having 2% greek yogurt with strawberries and blueberries for lunch (I need to use up the berries before they go bad). For dinner I plan to have chicken salad. I am so elated to have lost 15 lbs overall!! I know its not much, but for a hypothyroid,insulin resistant person its a lot!

I have to be more positive. It seems like my meds are kicking in -- I feel a lot better and more "motivated" in general. That is really good because the last few days have been hell at work. Thank God I dont have a lot of work or I would be in biiiig trouble. I can make it up today!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

More tired...mentally

So I haven't worked out this week. My eating has been on plan and good, but I've been really really depressed and TIRED lately and I suspect it has a lot to do with my medications. I JUST recently upped the dose so I should be feeling the effects any day now. The biggest battle for weight loss is mental, so hopefully I can get past this little set-back.

Even though I have complained about weightloss blogs I was reading them again lately. I think a lot of people have problems with binging. Although I may overeat at times, its not to the level of binging; I truly do not have a problem with food. Its so frustrating that even my doctors suspect that its ME -- that I've been eating too much when it comes to weightloss. I wish I could change my doctor, but my insurance only covers university specialists, so unless I want to shell out $500 dollars, I am going to have to really complain at the office in May when my appointment is. I am going to come with a list of complaints and questions -- I know they do not know enough about hypothyroidism and PCOS so I will take what they tell me with a grain of salt.

I am disgusted by fat people -- me included. Its the sallow, yellow and grey acne ridden skin that really tells the story of malnutrition-- though not every overweight person has this. I just hate it when people say losing weight is hard -- its not hard if you are NORMAL and I want to shoot daggers at them. I am clinically insulin resistant so I have to take extreme measures to lose weight like exercise 1.5hours.

My skin is clear due to good nutrition. I feel sorry for them because they are simply not getting good nutrition. I feel sorry that they just either don't care about nutrition or dont want to know. My diet is not perfect, but its SO much better than a lot of weightloss bloggers out there. I've read bloggers who have lost like 100+ lbs and their nutrition is still based on packaged foods and nutrient poor things.

My only vice is bread and its my only carb-- I dont eat pasta or potatoes or white rice. Whole wheat bread is just not that nutritious. My goal for the rest of the week thur-sunday is to swap out bread for flatout wraps and to get to the gym each of those days for 1.5 hours or more. I eventually want to phase those out too. I would prefer to get my carbs through squash, sweet potatoes, oats, quinoa and fruit -- which now I do except for bread. I think I can do it -- I will not buy bread next time I am in the supermarket. I have crazy willpower in the supermarket -- I dont buy ANY junk.

I've also finished my sugar free jam so that will have to go too. I am trying unsuccessfully to phase out splenda and use agave syrup instead. Its just so hard when agave syrup doesnt come in convenient packets I can have in my purse. At work I've been using one packet of sugar -- which doesnt even taste good so I might just drink my tea plain -- which I've been doing and its OK. Since I am insulin resistant I think this would help tremendously.

My other goal is to plan my meals out this next week. I dont like planning because I like to only buy produce that is in season and is on sale, but I think planning would help me build better salads. Sorry for all the rambling thoughts but its what's on my mind. I hope my writing improves because right now its all rambly rants -- sorry! Oh well, I just want a place where I can vent -- this is not like a regular blog where I share "how I did it" its simple - eat healthy and workout -- if you cant figure that out you have problems. Yea there are little tips and tricks and different things that work for different people, but at the end of the day its about quality calories and exercise.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tired, tired, tired.

That has been my whole weekend - sleep and lying down. I think I have to readjust my medication to increase the dose. I've increased it today given my labs being on the cusp of normal, but still being low. Im hoping for results. I think the alli might be interfering with the absorption of my medications but since its been such a big help in getting my weight down I am not going to stop taking it. I also need to remember to take it at lunch time.

I've started thinking about my weightloss and I've been living in the future for so long. What I mean by that is I am living only what I will achieve instead of whats currently happening. I need to be better about appreciating what I have now instead of bemoaning my situation. I think more positive thoughts and goals are in order.

I am still at that one lb loss, but since I've been tired I haven't worked out, and thats truly due to medical things, so I am not upset abouut it. I am annoyed that my entire weekend was spent dozing, but instead of focusing on that I will focus on what I can control and my medication is one thing I can change even if the doctors will not change it. I know my other doctor will change my meds, so I need to make an appointment soon.

Goals for this week include a 2lb weightloss and workouts everyday, even if they are short. I also want to eat fewer carbs and I am taking steps to improve my protein intake. I have decided to give up bread and eat fruits as my carbs. Hopefully it will prove to be doable.

I ate some sugarfree chocolate last night and my stomach hated me. MAJOR intestinal problems leading to lots of time in the bathroom. TMI, but there you go. I've been reading tons of blogs that skinny girls have and it seems that they let themselves have treats (theirs are sweets) and they also eat super healthy and super small portions to be able to do this. I dont think that this would work for me because I like to eat more and I'd rather eat food vs. sweets. I think its all about making the choices that are right for you.

Another goal for the week is to incorporate more vegetables in my diet. I noticed I've been eating tons of fruit but only one or two veggies a day. This has to change! Today I've packed a veggie burger (with tons of veggies) that I made out of veggies, lentils and barley and some fruit. I also need to get more into salad. Because I ate salad everyday for about a year a few years ago, I got tired of them, but the reality is I love salads and I make a mean salad.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Day off

Yesterday I gave myself the day off after I had a chicken wrap with cheese. It was going to be too many calories to recover from. I had a greek salad for dinner with edamame and corn sauteed in coconut oil as a side dish.

I had a craving for something sweet so I decided to make oatmeal cookies. The cookies were EPIC. They have oatmeal, peanut flour, whole wheat flour, toasted hazelnuts, chocolate, organic coconut, butter, eggs, coconut oil and agave syrup. This is by-far the best baked good I've ever made! The cookies were a cross between cookie and cake, but more on the cookie side - they were chewy and soft, but crunchy on the outside. They were really nutty since I put so many hazelnuts in; super indulgent. I ate three giant cookies and put the rest in the freezer for other days when I crave something sweet (rarely happens). Happy day yesterday with good food!

The recipe so I remember. First I took half a stick of butter and softened it in the microwave. I added a tablespoon or so of coconut oil (I needed enough fat for a whole stick-- what the recipe I was adapting asked for). Then I creamed that with a lot of agave syrup. Probably around a cup or so -- not sure really. I added about 4-5 packets of splenda to be sure it was sweet enough since I don't ever bake with agave. Then I added a tablespoon of vanilla extract and two eggs.

In a seperate bowl, I combined a teaspoon of baking soda with about a cup of peanut flour and 3/4 of a cup of whole wheat flour and I added a tablespoon of cinnamon. These are estimates since I rarely measure things. Then I took a fork and whisked it all together and added it into the wet ingredients. After that I added enough oatmeal to make the batter not as wet yet still sticky. I chopped the toasted hazelnuts and chocolate and added them along with the coconut. Then I saw how wet the batter really was and added more oats. When the batter was managable and looked like a regular oatmeal cookie batter, I took huge spoonfuls and made them into balls I put onto the cookie sheet -- three rows of three cookies on parchment paper. They really dont spread much like regular cookies since I added 2 eggs instead of the one egg the original recipe called for -- I really wanted them cakier than regular cookies. This is the best cookie I've ever tasted, the end.