Reflecting

In 2004 I saw on my fitday weight report I was at my lowest. I want to go even lower. This is a long journey and will hopefully only take a year. I feel really good. I forgot how important exercising was to me. When I got sick I was so tired I hated exercising; it was so so so difficult to make it to the gym only to turn back around because I was just so tired. Exercise really does clear up my mind and make my body sore in a good way. I think the endorphins and chemicals that are released during exercise bring me back to the "old me" the more energized person that I was before I got sick. I know that stress really wreaks havoc on my body and exercise is a tool to combat stress. I really need to stay focused and not worry about my joblessness. Something will come up eventually. In the meantime I will continue to work (without pay) and learn and grow. I will likely go to part time and that means I will have more time to cook and exercise, which is not bad. I really need to start being more goal-oriented.


I want to effect change, but I've sorta lost my passion for the work I used to do. There are fewer organizations in this state doing something about LGBT issues; no Latino organizations. I need to start thinking about how to 1) build a people of color coalition, but to do that I need to be involved, happy and fit. I know that sounds odd, but I am waaaay more comfortable networking at a lower weight. Now I judge myself and think that others are judging me too. It just has to wait until I am truly at a healthy weight. That way, I can be focused on what I am doing and not just how I am perceived.


Anyway, this journey really is "one day at a time." Its about doing the right thing every single day -- keeping the motivation to be thinner and happier even though right now its a challenge to be happy when I have so much to lose. Being posititve during weightloss has simply never been a strongsuit for me. Maybe it will come with more lbs lost. I certainly hope so because this worry about weightloss is a loss of time and energy that I can do without.

New Day

Today was good. I went waaaaay over calories but didn't really eat more than usual. I had an extra protein shake in the morning. I don't feel bad about it because I had another 1.5 hour workout at the elliptical. I did feel hungry today, which is a change. I think my stepped up workouts are behind it. I am going to power through that mentally because just like exercise is almost all mental (at least endurance is), so is eating. Sometimes I think I will not be full and I surprisingly am full after a smaller amount. Its about re-training my body on portion size. I will always have to eat less than others, but at least I know its something medical and that its not my fault. Its a big deal to find out its not just me. For YEARS I thought I was just not trying hard enough, yet today on medication and significantly less exercise I am losing.

I realized as I was walking up the gym steps why I don't want to lift yet. You don't know this, but I used to lift really heavy -- it was how I tracked progress because the scale NEVER moved. So in the past, I used to lift almost exclusively. Now I am out to get the most bag for my buck and right now this second that means the elliptical. Anyway, getting back to why I do not want to lift-- mirrors.

There are mirrors everywhere at the gym, but the ellipticals face windows and tvs so I never am forced to look at myself. When I did go down there it was disgusting and I just could not take it. I need to get past it, but I am just not ready to mentally suffer like that. I think tracking weight loss and cardio is what is working for me right now. When I hit a real plateau I will have to start lifting again.

Ive also decided not to do cheat meals that involve carbs. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I will keep it to chicken and hope for the best.

One Pound Down!!!!

So I guess I hit a minor plateau, but powered through it by doing extreme dieting and exercise. Last night's exercise really took it out of me...but I am proud of my hour and a half of elliptical! I'm so exhausted from the workout I hope I can get it together for work. It was hard but worth it. I've lost 14 lbs so far (since the Superbowl), so its not bad. I can't complain because at least the scale is moving. Its taking a lot of effort, possibly more than I had put in before since my diet is a lot cleaner -- a lot of processed foods have been cut both by budget and by design. I am really only having bread and sugar free jelly as my processed foods. I am either going to bake my own bread or give it up. I think I can give it up except for pre-workout snack. I really do need those carbs to fuel my workouts. Since its only 70 calories of bread, I wont be too upset about it. I've decided that my diet is too carb-based. I do not like protein as much as I like carbs, but I've made changes. I had scrambled eggs with real cheese and a protein smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, pommegranite juice, almond milk and protein powder. It was more calories than my regular breakfasts of oatmeal or egg sandwiches, but I think I will see some results. Its funny how much progress keeps me motivated. When I do not see the scale move, I get reallly frustrated. I need more patience but thats a virtue I lack. When I am progressing, I just think about losing a lot less and simply do what I need to do. I am so glad I broke through that plateau, I think with the changes I am making I will continue to make progress. I can't wait for time to pass so that I can be at a lower weight...but that also means I'll be jobless. Oh well... I think bigger things are on the horizon for me, I've just gotta find it.

Calming Down

I need some perspective...I am freaking out that I haven't lost 2 lbs vs. the one that I did lose in one week. Granted, given my calorie deficits and workouts it just does not add up. Life is not fair. I sound so whiny, but it is frustrating.

I need to celebrate the small victories and look at this as a long term commitment and process. I can fit into a Tahari satin tuxedo shirt that I bought when it did not quite fit a bit ago, so thats progress and I will take that.

Today my cals came in at 1200 and I did an hour and a half of the elliptical (yes my feet hurt).

That's enough to be proud of I hope.

Weightloss Blogs

I cannot look at other weightloss blogs. Its too depressing to see how much more other people can eat and still lose weight. Yesterday came in at about 1,100 calories and I haven't seen any weightloss since that one pound loss a while ago. I need to focus on what works for me. Its NOT inspiring to see people lose weight while they stuff their faces with sausage and cheese and cookies. Its NOT inspiring to see really skinny people blog about the brownies, cakes and cookies they make. I do not even have a sweet tooth. I am fed up with this thyroid problem. I am taking medication, so its supposed to be helping, but I am getting frustrated with the slow rate of my weightloss given all that I am putting into it. Perhaps I should not expect so much, but its frustrating to eat so little and yet lose so little. I will get older and that means my metabolism will even slow more -- I mean I can't live eating 900 calories a day, its just not possible. Does that mean that I will always be fat? I think I need an attitude adjustment. I need to just accept what is... I am going to talk to my doctor about this; I wonder if there is a medical intervention that would help? I know I do not eat enough protein, but I hate chicken and would prefer to eat good quality fish, which I cannot afford right now since I am about to be job-less. All that money has to go to my COBRA insurance to pay for my outrageously expensive medication. I know the atkins diet works, but has been really really unhealthy for me in the past. When I last tried it I vomited for days, got the sweats and was nauseaus all the time. My cognitive abilities also go. I need my brain as an attorney -- I have to use it everyday, I don't have a mindless job. I really need to think long and hard about atkins. Its my nemesis since I like carbs so much and they help me workout. I might try it because I haven't been losing at the rate I need to lose and I am at my wit's end. I am tempted not to eat. I have been hungry the past few days...all of these point to more and more extreme behaviors, which can't be good. I just cannot get over this anger... I mean I remember my trainer trying to put me on 800-900 calories. Perhaps its not a bad idea -- if nothing else is working then what the hell do I have to lose? My metabolism is slow as it is...I just do not want to do anything to make it go even slower! I think my exercise needs to go to two-a-days if I want to seriously lose weight. I already get up at 6am. I think I need to think about how important this is to me because it might be worth it to exercise twice a day. I just hate how much this takes over my entire life. It's always depressing and upsetting and there is nothing I can do about it. For me, losing weight is a full-time job. I am so jealous of those obese people and how they lose a million pounds. If I ever went to the biggest loser ranch I would be eliminated the first day. My body is just not made for losing weight. I mean I like eating healthy, that's no problem. Its the amount of food that is driving me crazy and its only going to get worse as I increase my exercise because I always get hungrier when I step up the exercise. I wish there were other people that were going through the same thing... having their doctors look at them quizzically -- asking are you doing enough? Me sitting there telling her I workout for an hour 4-5 times a week and eat 1200 calories. Then she sends me to a nutritionist that tells me I need to eat more protein. At the end of it I just want to scream and tell them that they have no fucking clue what its like to struggle like this. To be eating so well but yet be so f-ing fat.

The weekend

I had a rough weekend. I had a cheat meal on Friday and on Saturday morning I had a 2 hour oral glucose test. I know I am going to not test well because I felt like shit after drinking that much sugar. I slept all throughout the day and was just not well. I didn't even workout. On Sunday I felt better but woke up with a huge kink in my neck. It hurt to move my neck too much. In any case I worked out for an hour and twenty minutes on the elliptical. I did not work out hard or else I could not have worked out that long, so all in all I did well. Food-wise I did OK, but nothing to write home about.

Hypothyroidism

This is depressing me. Perhaps I am getting too focused on this weightloss thing. Its just so hard to see other bloggers and other normal people eat more than me. I'm not feeling super deprived, but its just so hard to be so regimented at such low calorie levels. I hope this is realistic for the long-run because the calories I am at now are 1200-1300 is a guesstimate. I am now tracking them better on fitday. I just try and eat as cleanly as possible, so the calories are automatically low. I am trying to find hypothyroid success stories, but these are few and far between...on messageboards rather than real websites. The thing is I am worried this will start disordered eating.

When I was in college I lost 30 lbs by not eating and exercising 2 hours daily...that was the only thing that worked. It makes sense that it took that much because of the thyroid issues. Anyway I dont want to go to that extreme. I am goal-oriented so thats already a predisposition....once I set my mind to something, it happens. Anyway just venting.