More tired...mentally

So I haven't worked out this week. My eating has been on plan and good, but I've been really really depressed and TIRED lately and I suspect it has a lot to do with my medications. I JUST recently upped the dose so I should be feeling the effects any day now. The biggest battle for weight loss is mental, so hopefully I can get past this little set-back.


Even though I have complained about weightloss blogs I was reading them again lately. I think a lot of people have problems with binging. Although I may overeat at times, its not to the level of binging; I truly do not have a problem with food. Its so frustrating that even my doctors suspect that its ME -- that I've been eating too much when it comes to weightloss. I wish I could change my doctor, but my insurance only covers university specialists, so unless I want to shell out $500 dollars, I am going to have to really complain at the office in May when my appointment is. I am going to come with a list of complaints and questions -- I know they do not know enough about hypothyroidism and PCOS so I will take what they tell me with a grain of salt.


I am disgusted by fat people -- me included. Its the sallow, yellow and grey acne ridden skin that really tells the story of malnutrition-- though not every overweight person has this. I just hate it when people say losing weight is hard -- its not hard if you are NORMAL and I want to shoot daggers at them. I am clinically insulin resistant so I have to take extreme measures to lose weight like exercise 1.5hours.


My skin is clear due to good nutrition. I feel sorry for them because they are simply not getting good nutrition. I feel sorry that they just either don't care about nutrition or dont want to know. My diet is not perfect, but its SO much better than a lot of weightloss bloggers out there. I've read bloggers who have lost like 100+ lbs and their nutrition is still based on packaged foods and nutrient poor things.


My only vice is bread and its my only carb-- I dont eat pasta or potatoes or white rice. Whole wheat bread is just not that nutritious. My goal for the rest of the week thur-sunday is to swap out bread for flatout wraps and to get to the gym each of those days for 1.5 hours or more. I eventually want to phase those out too. I would prefer to get my carbs through squash, sweet potatoes, oats, quinoa and fruit -- which now I do except for bread. I think I can do it -- I will not buy bread next time I am in the supermarket. I have crazy willpower in the supermarket -- I dont buy ANY junk.


I've also finished my sugar free jam so that will have to go too. I am trying unsuccessfully to phase out splenda and use agave syrup instead. Its just so hard when agave syrup doesnt come in convenient packets I can have in my purse. At work I've been using one packet of sugar -- which doesnt even taste good so I might just drink my tea plain -- which I've been doing and its OK. Since I am insulin resistant I think this would help tremendously.


My other goal is to plan my meals out this next week. I dont like planning because I like to only buy produce that is in season and is on sale, but I think planning would help me build better salads. Sorry for all the rambling thoughts but its what's on my mind. I hope my writing improves because right now its all rambly rants -- sorry! Oh well, I just want a place where I can vent -- this is not like a regular blog where I share "how I did it" its simple - eat healthy and workout -- if you cant figure that out you have problems. Yea there are little tips and tricks and different things that work for different people, but at the end of the day its about quality calories and exercise.

Tired, tired, tired.

That has been my whole weekend - sleep and lying down. I think I have to readjust my medication to increase the dose. I've increased it today given my labs being on the cusp of normal, but still being low. Im hoping for results. I think the alli might be interfering with the absorption of my medications but since its been such a big help in getting my weight down I am not going to stop taking it. I also need to remember to take it at lunch time.

I've started thinking about my weightloss and I've been living in the future for so long. What I mean by that is I am living only what I will achieve instead of whats currently happening. I need to be better about appreciating what I have now instead of bemoaning my situation. I think more positive thoughts and goals are in order.

I am still at that one lb loss, but since I've been tired I haven't worked out, and thats truly due to medical things, so I am not upset abouut it. I am annoyed that my entire weekend was spent dozing, but instead of focusing on that I will focus on what I can control and my medication is one thing I can change even if the doctors will not change it. I know my other doctor will change my meds, so I need to make an appointment soon.

Goals for this week include a 2lb weightloss and workouts everyday, even if they are short. I also want to eat fewer carbs and I am taking steps to improve my protein intake. I have decided to give up bread and eat fruits as my carbs. Hopefully it will prove to be doable.

I ate some sugarfree chocolate last night and my stomach hated me. MAJOR intestinal problems leading to lots of time in the bathroom. TMI, but there you go. I've been reading tons of blogs that skinny girls have and it seems that they let themselves have treats (theirs are sweets) and they also eat super healthy and super small portions to be able to do this. I dont think that this would work for me because I like to eat more and I'd rather eat food vs. sweets. I think its all about making the choices that are right for you.

Another goal for the week is to incorporate more vegetables in my diet. I noticed I've been eating tons of fruit but only one or two veggies a day. This has to change! Today I've packed a veggie burger (with tons of veggies) that I made out of veggies, lentils and barley and some fruit. I also need to get more into salad. Because I ate salad everyday for about a year a few years ago, I got tired of them, but the reality is I love salads and I make a mean salad.

Day off

Yesterday I gave myself the day off after I had a chicken wrap with cheese. It was going to be too many calories to recover from. I had a greek salad for dinner with edamame and corn sauteed in coconut oil as a side dish.


I had a craving for something sweet so I decided to make oatmeal cookies. The cookies were EPIC. They have oatmeal, peanut flour, whole wheat flour, toasted hazelnuts, chocolate, organic coconut, butter, eggs, coconut oil and agave syrup. This is by-far the best baked good I've ever made! The cookies were a cross between cookie and cake, but more on the cookie side - they were chewy and soft, but crunchy on the outside. They were really nutty since I put so many hazelnuts in; super indulgent. I ate three giant cookies and put the rest in the freezer for other days when I crave something sweet (rarely happens). Happy day yesterday with good food!


The recipe so I remember. First I took half a stick of butter and softened it in the microwave. I added a tablespoon or so of coconut oil (I needed enough fat for a whole stick-- what the recipe I was adapting asked for). Then I creamed that with a lot of agave syrup. Probably around a cup or so -- not sure really. I added about 4-5 packets of splenda to be sure it was sweet enough since I don't ever bake with agave. Then I added a tablespoon of vanilla extract and two eggs.


In a seperate bowl, I combined a teaspoon of baking soda with about a cup of peanut flour and 3/4 of a cup of whole wheat flour and I added a tablespoon of cinnamon. These are estimates since I rarely measure things. Then I took a fork and whisked it all together and added it into the wet ingredients. After that I added enough oatmeal to make the batter not as wet yet still sticky. I chopped the toasted hazelnuts and chocolate and added them along with the coconut. Then I saw how wet the batter really was and added more oats. When the batter was managable and looked like a regular oatmeal cookie batter, I took huge spoonfuls and made them into balls I put onto the cookie sheet -- three rows of three cookies on parchment paper. They really dont spread much like regular cookies since I added 2 eggs instead of the one egg the original recipe called for -- I really wanted them cakier than regular cookies. This is the best cookie I've ever tasted, the end.

Reflecting

In 2004 I saw on my fitday weight report I was at my lowest. I want to go even lower. This is a long journey and will hopefully only take a year. I feel really good. I forgot how important exercising was to me. When I got sick I was so tired I hated exercising; it was so so so difficult to make it to the gym only to turn back around because I was just so tired. Exercise really does clear up my mind and make my body sore in a good way. I think the endorphins and chemicals that are released during exercise bring me back to the "old me" the more energized person that I was before I got sick. I know that stress really wreaks havoc on my body and exercise is a tool to combat stress. I really need to stay focused and not worry about my joblessness. Something will come up eventually. In the meantime I will continue to work (without pay) and learn and grow. I will likely go to part time and that means I will have more time to cook and exercise, which is not bad. I really need to start being more goal-oriented.


I want to effect change, but I've sorta lost my passion for the work I used to do. There are fewer organizations in this state doing something about LGBT issues; no Latino organizations. I need to start thinking about how to 1) build a people of color coalition, but to do that I need to be involved, happy and fit. I know that sounds odd, but I am waaaay more comfortable networking at a lower weight. Now I judge myself and think that others are judging me too. It just has to wait until I am truly at a healthy weight. That way, I can be focused on what I am doing and not just how I am perceived.


Anyway, this journey really is "one day at a time." Its about doing the right thing every single day -- keeping the motivation to be thinner and happier even though right now its a challenge to be happy when I have so much to lose. Being posititve during weightloss has simply never been a strongsuit for me. Maybe it will come with more lbs lost. I certainly hope so because this worry about weightloss is a loss of time and energy that I can do without.

New Day

Today was good. I went waaaaay over calories but didn't really eat more than usual. I had an extra protein shake in the morning. I don't feel bad about it because I had another 1.5 hour workout at the elliptical. I did feel hungry today, which is a change. I think my stepped up workouts are behind it. I am going to power through that mentally because just like exercise is almost all mental (at least endurance is), so is eating. Sometimes I think I will not be full and I surprisingly am full after a smaller amount. Its about re-training my body on portion size. I will always have to eat less than others, but at least I know its something medical and that its not my fault. Its a big deal to find out its not just me. For YEARS I thought I was just not trying hard enough, yet today on medication and significantly less exercise I am losing.

I realized as I was walking up the gym steps why I don't want to lift yet. You don't know this, but I used to lift really heavy -- it was how I tracked progress because the scale NEVER moved. So in the past, I used to lift almost exclusively. Now I am out to get the most bag for my buck and right now this second that means the elliptical. Anyway, getting back to why I do not want to lift-- mirrors.

There are mirrors everywhere at the gym, but the ellipticals face windows and tvs so I never am forced to look at myself. When I did go down there it was disgusting and I just could not take it. I need to get past it, but I am just not ready to mentally suffer like that. I think tracking weight loss and cardio is what is working for me right now. When I hit a real plateau I will have to start lifting again.

Ive also decided not to do cheat meals that involve carbs. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I will keep it to chicken and hope for the best.

One Pound Down!!!!

So I guess I hit a minor plateau, but powered through it by doing extreme dieting and exercise. Last night's exercise really took it out of me...but I am proud of my hour and a half of elliptical! I'm so exhausted from the workout I hope I can get it together for work. It was hard but worth it. I've lost 14 lbs so far (since the Superbowl), so its not bad. I can't complain because at least the scale is moving. Its taking a lot of effort, possibly more than I had put in before since my diet is a lot cleaner -- a lot of processed foods have been cut both by budget and by design. I am really only having bread and sugar free jelly as my processed foods. I am either going to bake my own bread or give it up. I think I can give it up except for pre-workout snack. I really do need those carbs to fuel my workouts. Since its only 70 calories of bread, I wont be too upset about it. I've decided that my diet is too carb-based. I do not like protein as much as I like carbs, but I've made changes. I had scrambled eggs with real cheese and a protein smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, pommegranite juice, almond milk and protein powder. It was more calories than my regular breakfasts of oatmeal or egg sandwiches, but I think I will see some results. Its funny how much progress keeps me motivated. When I do not see the scale move, I get reallly frustrated. I need more patience but thats a virtue I lack. When I am progressing, I just think about losing a lot less and simply do what I need to do. I am so glad I broke through that plateau, I think with the changes I am making I will continue to make progress. I can't wait for time to pass so that I can be at a lower weight...but that also means I'll be jobless. Oh well... I think bigger things are on the horizon for me, I've just gotta find it.

Calming Down

I need some perspective...I am freaking out that I haven't lost 2 lbs vs. the one that I did lose in one week. Granted, given my calorie deficits and workouts it just does not add up. Life is not fair. I sound so whiny, but it is frustrating.

I need to celebrate the small victories and look at this as a long term commitment and process. I can fit into a Tahari satin tuxedo shirt that I bought when it did not quite fit a bit ago, so thats progress and I will take that.

Today my cals came in at 1200 and I did an hour and a half of the elliptical (yes my feet hurt).

That's enough to be proud of I hope.