Reflecting

In 2004 I saw on my fitday weight report I was at my lowest. I want to go even lower. This is a long journey and will hopefully only take a year. I feel really good. I forgot how important exercising was to me. When I got sick I was so tired I hated exercising; it was so so so difficult to make it to the gym only to turn back around because I was just so tired. Exercise really does clear up my mind and make my body sore in a good way. I think the endorphins and chemicals that are released during exercise bring me back to the "old me" the more energized person that I was before I got sick. I know that stress really wreaks havoc on my body and exercise is a tool to combat stress. I really need to stay focused and not worry about my joblessness. Something will come up eventually. In the meantime I will continue to work (without pay) and learn and grow. I will likely go to part time and that means I will have more time to cook and exercise, which is not bad. I really need to start being more goal-oriented.


I want to effect change, but I've sorta lost my passion for the work I used to do. There are fewer organizations in this state doing something about LGBT issues; no Latino organizations. I need to start thinking about how to 1) build a people of color coalition, but to do that I need to be involved, happy and fit. I know that sounds odd, but I am waaaay more comfortable networking at a lower weight. Now I judge myself and think that others are judging me too. It just has to wait until I am truly at a healthy weight. That way, I can be focused on what I am doing and not just how I am perceived.


Anyway, this journey really is "one day at a time." Its about doing the right thing every single day -- keeping the motivation to be thinner and happier even though right now its a challenge to be happy when I have so much to lose. Being posititve during weightloss has simply never been a strongsuit for me. Maybe it will come with more lbs lost. I certainly hope so because this worry about weightloss is a loss of time and energy that I can do without.

New Day

Today was good. I went waaaaay over calories but didn't really eat more than usual. I had an extra protein shake in the morning. I don't feel bad about it because I had another 1.5 hour workout at the elliptical. I did feel hungry today, which is a change. I think my stepped up workouts are behind it. I am going to power through that mentally because just like exercise is almost all mental (at least endurance is), so is eating. Sometimes I think I will not be full and I surprisingly am full after a smaller amount. Its about re-training my body on portion size. I will always have to eat less than others, but at least I know its something medical and that its not my fault. Its a big deal to find out its not just me. For YEARS I thought I was just not trying hard enough, yet today on medication and significantly less exercise I am losing.

I realized as I was walking up the gym steps why I don't want to lift yet. You don't know this, but I used to lift really heavy -- it was how I tracked progress because the scale NEVER moved. So in the past, I used to lift almost exclusively. Now I am out to get the most bag for my buck and right now this second that means the elliptical. Anyway, getting back to why I do not want to lift-- mirrors.

There are mirrors everywhere at the gym, but the ellipticals face windows and tvs so I never am forced to look at myself. When I did go down there it was disgusting and I just could not take it. I need to get past it, but I am just not ready to mentally suffer like that. I think tracking weight loss and cardio is what is working for me right now. When I hit a real plateau I will have to start lifting again.

Ive also decided not to do cheat meals that involve carbs. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I will keep it to chicken and hope for the best.

One Pound Down!!!!

So I guess I hit a minor plateau, but powered through it by doing extreme dieting and exercise. Last night's exercise really took it out of me...but I am proud of my hour and a half of elliptical! I'm so exhausted from the workout I hope I can get it together for work. It was hard but worth it. I've lost 14 lbs so far (since the Superbowl), so its not bad. I can't complain because at least the scale is moving. Its taking a lot of effort, possibly more than I had put in before since my diet is a lot cleaner -- a lot of processed foods have been cut both by budget and by design. I am really only having bread and sugar free jelly as my processed foods. I am either going to bake my own bread or give it up. I think I can give it up except for pre-workout snack. I really do need those carbs to fuel my workouts. Since its only 70 calories of bread, I wont be too upset about it. I've decided that my diet is too carb-based. I do not like protein as much as I like carbs, but I've made changes. I had scrambled eggs with real cheese and a protein smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, pommegranite juice, almond milk and protein powder. It was more calories than my regular breakfasts of oatmeal or egg sandwiches, but I think I will see some results. Its funny how much progress keeps me motivated. When I do not see the scale move, I get reallly frustrated. I need more patience but thats a virtue I lack. When I am progressing, I just think about losing a lot less and simply do what I need to do. I am so glad I broke through that plateau, I think with the changes I am making I will continue to make progress. I can't wait for time to pass so that I can be at a lower weight...but that also means I'll be jobless. Oh well... I think bigger things are on the horizon for me, I've just gotta find it.

Calming Down

I need some perspective...I am freaking out that I haven't lost 2 lbs vs. the one that I did lose in one week. Granted, given my calorie deficits and workouts it just does not add up. Life is not fair. I sound so whiny, but it is frustrating.

I need to celebrate the small victories and look at this as a long term commitment and process. I can fit into a Tahari satin tuxedo shirt that I bought when it did not quite fit a bit ago, so thats progress and I will take that.

Today my cals came in at 1200 and I did an hour and a half of the elliptical (yes my feet hurt).

That's enough to be proud of I hope.

Weightloss Blogs

I cannot look at other weightloss blogs. Its too depressing to see how much more other people can eat and still lose weight. Yesterday came in at about 1,100 calories and I haven't seen any weightloss since that one pound loss a while ago. I need to focus on what works for me. Its NOT inspiring to see people lose weight while they stuff their faces with sausage and cheese and cookies. Its NOT inspiring to see really skinny people blog about the brownies, cakes and cookies they make. I do not even have a sweet tooth. I am fed up with this thyroid problem. I am taking medication, so its supposed to be helping, but I am getting frustrated with the slow rate of my weightloss given all that I am putting into it. Perhaps I should not expect so much, but its frustrating to eat so little and yet lose so little. I will get older and that means my metabolism will even slow more -- I mean I can't live eating 900 calories a day, its just not possible. Does that mean that I will always be fat? I think I need an attitude adjustment. I need to just accept what is... I am going to talk to my doctor about this; I wonder if there is a medical intervention that would help? I know I do not eat enough protein, but I hate chicken and would prefer to eat good quality fish, which I cannot afford right now since I am about to be job-less. All that money has to go to my COBRA insurance to pay for my outrageously expensive medication. I know the atkins diet works, but has been really really unhealthy for me in the past. When I last tried it I vomited for days, got the sweats and was nauseaus all the time. My cognitive abilities also go. I need my brain as an attorney -- I have to use it everyday, I don't have a mindless job. I really need to think long and hard about atkins. Its my nemesis since I like carbs so much and they help me workout. I might try it because I haven't been losing at the rate I need to lose and I am at my wit's end. I am tempted not to eat. I have been hungry the past few days...all of these point to more and more extreme behaviors, which can't be good. I just cannot get over this anger... I mean I remember my trainer trying to put me on 800-900 calories. Perhaps its not a bad idea -- if nothing else is working then what the hell do I have to lose? My metabolism is slow as it is...I just do not want to do anything to make it go even slower! I think my exercise needs to go to two-a-days if I want to seriously lose weight. I already get up at 6am. I think I need to think about how important this is to me because it might be worth it to exercise twice a day. I just hate how much this takes over my entire life. It's always depressing and upsetting and there is nothing I can do about it. For me, losing weight is a full-time job. I am so jealous of those obese people and how they lose a million pounds. If I ever went to the biggest loser ranch I would be eliminated the first day. My body is just not made for losing weight. I mean I like eating healthy, that's no problem. Its the amount of food that is driving me crazy and its only going to get worse as I increase my exercise because I always get hungrier when I step up the exercise. I wish there were other people that were going through the same thing... having their doctors look at them quizzically -- asking are you doing enough? Me sitting there telling her I workout for an hour 4-5 times a week and eat 1200 calories. Then she sends me to a nutritionist that tells me I need to eat more protein. At the end of it I just want to scream and tell them that they have no fucking clue what its like to struggle like this. To be eating so well but yet be so f-ing fat.

The weekend

I had a rough weekend. I had a cheat meal on Friday and on Saturday morning I had a 2 hour oral glucose test. I know I am going to not test well because I felt like shit after drinking that much sugar. I slept all throughout the day and was just not well. I didn't even workout. On Sunday I felt better but woke up with a huge kink in my neck. It hurt to move my neck too much. In any case I worked out for an hour and twenty minutes on the elliptical. I did not work out hard or else I could not have worked out that long, so all in all I did well. Food-wise I did OK, but nothing to write home about.

Hypothyroidism

This is depressing me. Perhaps I am getting too focused on this weightloss thing. Its just so hard to see other bloggers and other normal people eat more than me. I'm not feeling super deprived, but its just so hard to be so regimented at such low calorie levels. I hope this is realistic for the long-run because the calories I am at now are 1200-1300 is a guesstimate. I am now tracking them better on fitday. I just try and eat as cleanly as possible, so the calories are automatically low. I am trying to find hypothyroid success stories, but these are few and far between...on messageboards rather than real websites. The thing is I am worried this will start disordered eating.

When I was in college I lost 30 lbs by not eating and exercising 2 hours daily...that was the only thing that worked. It makes sense that it took that much because of the thyroid issues. Anyway I dont want to go to that extreme. I am goal-oriented so thats already a predisposition....once I set my mind to something, it happens. Anyway just venting.

Another day...

So last night I had an OK workout. I mean I didn't "phone it in" but I also didnt push myself as hard. I was tired from my two last hard workouts. All in all I only did 20 calories less than I had the night before so I am OK with it.

I had a really good dinner last night. A couple tablespoons of couscous, green beans and eggs and chicken with artichokes, spinach and lemon and a dusting of parm on top. It was very substantial but pretty low in calories since there wasnt much chicken in the meal and it was all mostly veggies. 3/4 of my plate was veggies. The other quarter was divided up between chicken and literally those two tablespoons of cous cous.

No progress today, just holding on to that 1 lb loss from the other day, which is disappointing but this stuff doesnt happen overnight -- I have to remember that. On a lighter note, I did try on that shirt from my interview and it actually fits, which it really didnt during my interview. That day I had to duct tape it closed! Anyway I got the job so all is well anyway.

One pound loss sustained

It seems like the pound is gone forever because I am exactly one pound less (consistent with yesterday's loss). This is usually not the case because I fluctuate so much from one day to the next. This makes me happy, but the negativity inside me burgeons to the surface when I think about how much is left to just be my "normal."

Patience is a virtue, one that I lack. Still, I think persistence and consistentcy pays off. My workout yesterday went well because I ate dinner beforehand. I ate half a can of black beans with one egg and three tortillas and a smidgeon of cheese...and a pb&j right when I got home. I had my all-time best workout thus far. Seems like I say that a lot, but like I said before, I do push myself hard. Its great to have a TV while I workout - it makes me forget how LOOONG my workouts are and distracts me from the pain. Still, I am proud of my progress. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit, but its so hard when the road looks so so long.

Motivation is a hard nut to crack; its really hard to define how that comes to you, but I think it has something to do with hitting rock-bottom. I hit an all time new high weight (havent been at this weight in ten years) and so I got scared. Scared that it would get worse before it got better. I was incredulous at the number and I knew it would be permanent if I did not do something about it. This miraculous motivation came over me, just like I had before for YEARS. Its only been these last 3 or so years where my motivation tanked. Part of it was not motivation -- I got sick during this time and I got used to being tired ALL THE TIME. Then I suspect this sorta became a habit. Its easier to stay the same and not workout and not try. For two years I didn't gain weight. It was only when I got complacent that it piled on (in one month mind you).

I cant wait to fit into my old clothes, this is annoying me that even though I've lost 13 lbs, my clothes fit almost the same. I know I have to be patient, but 13 lbs is ALOT. I guess I need to remember that NONE of my clothes fit at that size and had to cobble together a suit for my interview even. Maybe I should try on my interview shirt and see if it fits any better.... that's a better way for me to guage progress. The scale is a weird thing for me. Sometimes it moves and sometimes it doesnt. I am thinking of starting to measure, but its just too depressing a thought to know my measurements. I know that sounds weird, but I just dont want to know until I am at that normal weight for me.

Right now things are easy because I am losing. Its when I hit a plateau that the real challenges start. I know I get frustrated and angry because of all the hard work. Here is where measurements should help because for me, I gain muscle weight very easily so sometimes the scale wont move, but clothes start fitting better.

One more pound.

I hate that my writing is so scatterbrained, but this is stream of consciousness... I guess you will just have to deal.

I lost one pound supposedly (according to the scale) but with waterweight you never know. Still the scale said one pound less so I will take it. I had an incredible workout yesterday. 615 calories "burned" according to the machine. Those machines aren't very accurate but I will take the progress I made. One hour on the elliptical at 10/8 strength with an elevation of 15 is good for me. Again no monstrous workout like in the past, but still good for progress.

Last night I had a coconut milk, strawberry and protein powder shake after my workout, a veggie hot dog (gross) and a bit of greek yogurt. I am not sure I ate enough, but I was so tired I just wanted to get to bed. I really tired myself out at the gym, even if my workout was only an hour.

This all reminds me that weightloss is not about a specific diet or exercise method, its just about the mental will to do it. Just eat less calories and exercise (more than 30 mins) and you will lose a bunch of weight. The other thing is consistency and perseverence. You have to do it everyday to make those gains slowly because weightloss is not overnight. I keep telling myself that, but its hard to take.

I am tired of being at this weight and want to simply fit into my size 10/8 clothes again. I feel like that will be the "real" starting point because I always plateau at about that size. Right now I am between a 12 and 14, more on the 14 side, but making progress. I've lost about 13 lbs so far and have quite a bit left to go to be at my "normal" size. My goal weight is 130, but I am not sure how realistic that is. I know that I have the mental strength to get there, but weightloss is tiring, its tiring to constantly be preoccupied about what you are eating and how much exercise you do. In some ways it sorta drives your life and I am ready to be more active in the community, do some activist work -- its something that I haven't done since before law school but working out really takes a lot of time away. The way I used to handle it before was to workout right after work (my gym was a block from my work), so that was easy to do and make meetings. Now, I have to get driven home, change, snack and walk to the gym (~10-15 min walk). This is all precious time. I guess things will get better once the sun starts shining and I can run -- that takes less time even though its just as long a workout because running starts as soon as I leave my house.

I am thinking about running a half marathon, but dont really want to pay to do it. I can simply run it one day -- distance running (10+miles) always made me lose weight, so that is something I will turn to as it starts getting warmer. I am good about not wasting my time working out -- what I mean is I am good about not doing shitty workouts. I typically challenge myself or else I feel I am wasting my time. Maybe when I am at that "normal" weight for me I will buy myself an i-pod as a reward.

Last night some girl got on the elliptical right next to me I suppose to motivate herself because there were plenty of other free ones. I schooled her on that machine. She might have been going a bit faster, but that was at a piss poor low intensity/elevation levels. My calories rocked hers and I stayed on for a lot longer of course. Lame how that is -- people make assumptions about my fitness because of how fat I am. I wish I could wear a sign that says I am fat not lazy -- I have a thyroid issue. Its true, I think of fat people as lazy and gross -- myself included. I know I eat a heck of a lot healthier than "normal" people and can still be susceptilble to weight loss. I eat comparably to thin healthy people, but I am just fat. Its extra frustrating to have to work twice as much just to maintain weight. To lose its a huge effort. I am not even sure I am eating enough calories to maintain long-term weight loss because I dont want to slow down my metabolism (already so slow). I guess for now I have to settle for what works now and change my approach as I go down the road.

My goal is also to lose weight for my next doctor's appointment in May. I just want to tell her that my weight was circumstancial and that its changing now that I am out of school. She thinks I am one of those people that don't really try - - I mean last time she asked me if my chicken was breaded -- as if that were the magic bullet. One I dont fry chicken I bake or use cooking spray and breaded chicken has nothing to do with total caloric intake. Lame. I just want to prove them wrong, that its not me being lazy that it is in fact my condition. I mean right now I have a headache from not eating enough calories, but I ate an egg sandwich (fat free cheese, turkey bacon and one egg on two 60 cal slices) and a tiny bit of greek yogurt, which is more than enough calories and I am not hungry. I can tell that my body is just not used to the exercise and its reacting to it -- mostly in a good way. My skin is better and I have more energy -- better than sitting on the couch all night, which is not typical for me but had been the case (studying) during law school.

Law school is over

So now that I am out of law school, I have made a consistent effort to lose weight. I know it seems like a cop-out to some of you, but for the lawyers amongst you, you know this is real. I had a 20 hour a week part time job and a full course load and I gained 20 lbs. I know this is partly due to stress making me make bad choices, but the food does not account for all the lbs. I know already that when I get stressed out my body responds in kind by gaining weight. I no longer am in despair over this because now that I am on medication, its possible to lose it. It makes it no more easier or palatable an experience, but at least the possibility of losing exists.

I've lost 12 lbs of fat in the last month and a half. This is progress for me. This would have taken herculean efforts before my medication regimen. Now, I just eat right -- my diet is exceedingly clean and have one cheat meal a week along with going to the gym/working out 4 times a week, which is not a lot. Eventually when it gets warmer I expect this to go up to 5 times a week or more.

My exercise has also been on point, but is no where near the exercise regimen that I had to engage in before to lose weight. I had to work out 2 hours a day to lose, 5 times a week. I am not just talking light exercise either. I was training for half marathons or leg pressing 500lbs. Now my fitness is not as great as it once was and thats sorta depressing, but I am making good gains. I was able to run for five miles without stopping, which before would take me 50 mins. at a fairly good pace. Now it takes forever, but I dont put pressure on myself by stressing about it. I think that is one of the major differences in losing the weight this time. Its always on my mind, but its not controlling my life, making me miserable. I just eat clean, exercise moderately and my life is not ruled by rigid exercise and hunger. I think that this time the weightloss might be slower and I think I am OK with that for now. I try to keep what I have lost as a whole into perspective versus what I lose in a week or a few days.

Today's breakfast was greek yogurt (2% with strawberries and blueberries) and coffee with coconut milk. Today's lunch will be a challenge because I am going to a luncheon, but I am armed with granola bars and fruit, so if something is not healthy I simply won't be forced to eat it. I've been consuming a lot of herbal tea and green tea which helps as well. Tonight's dinner is likely to be a salad with steak and butternut squash -- same as last night.

Last night I did not exercise but I do not feel bad about it. I started watching a documentary on Hernandez v. Texas where the Supreme Court found that Mexican Americans are covered under the 14th Amendment despite the fact that they are "racially" white. I won't go into this story, but it was moving and brought tears to my eyes both because it was inspiring and sad at the same time. As an attorney, I was saddened that this kind of stuff was not covered in my Constitutional law class. The story and characters would make a good hollywood movie. A dashing lawyer, a guilty client and an insurmountable fight.