Reflecting

In 2004 I saw on my fitday weight report I was at my lowest. I want to go even lower. This is a long journey and will hopefully only take a year. I feel really good. I forgot how important exercising was to me. When I got sick I was so tired I hated exercising; it was so so so difficult to make it to the gym only to turn back around because I was just so tired. Exercise really does clear up my mind and make my body sore in a good way. I think the endorphins and chemicals that are released during exercise bring me back to the "old me" the more energized person that I was before I got sick. I know that stress really wreaks havoc on my body and exercise is a tool to combat stress. I really need to stay focused and not worry about my joblessness. Something will come up eventually. In the meantime I will continue to work (without pay) and learn and grow. I will likely go to part time and that means I will have more time to cook and exercise, which is not bad. I really need to start being more goal-oriented.


I want to effect change, but I've sorta lost my passion for the work I used to do. There are fewer organizations in this state doing something about LGBT issues; no Latino organizations. I need to start thinking about how to 1) build a people of color coalition, but to do that I need to be involved, happy and fit. I know that sounds odd, but I am waaaay more comfortable networking at a lower weight. Now I judge myself and think that others are judging me too. It just has to wait until I am truly at a healthy weight. That way, I can be focused on what I am doing and not just how I am perceived.


Anyway, this journey really is "one day at a time." Its about doing the right thing every single day -- keeping the motivation to be thinner and happier even though right now its a challenge to be happy when I have so much to lose. Being posititve during weightloss has simply never been a strongsuit for me. Maybe it will come with more lbs lost. I certainly hope so because this worry about weightloss is a loss of time and energy that I can do without.