Still stuck

So I had a fun weekend, but I gained a lb!!! I ate badly, but to gain one lb, I'm not sure. Well I guess I have to start from square one. Yesterday I did pretty well since I ate salad and yogurt for lunch and that kept me pretty full. I also had an egg sandwich for dinner with gazpacho so that was really low calorie and healthy.

I tried going for a run, but the whole gazpacho thing just made my stomach hurt a ton. Today I think I will try and do weights after eating my veggies.

Stuck

So I've been stuck the last few months - no weight loss to speak of- just fluctuations within 3lbs. Its been really frustrating especially since I've been exercising more consistently for the last 2 weeks. This exercise however makes me more hungry. Add to that that I am out of my medication and am not due for a refill until the 27th of August. LAME. It basically means that I will be less able to digest carbs and less able to lose weight. I will be hungry from now on. I have not been as careful with what I am eating this week, but I vow that will change. I have like 32 oz of spinach just waiting to be made into salad.

Tonight I have a dinner party to go to. I am bringing berry crisp because I was asked to bring dessert and the woman who is cooking is pregnant and craving fruity desserts. I will try not to eat some but it will be a huuuge challenge. I dont know if I am up for it. At lunch I will have gazpacho and some yogurt - which is a huge meal of delicious and crazy low calorie things.

I am really going to continue blogging to try and keep up the momentum. Its hard to keep going without some kind of movement from the scale, but I've just got to keep going. I can't give up. Just like at the gym where its depressing to not be able to lift what I once could -- instead I've just got to look at the progress I am making. I've been to the gym or run twice this week which is great because I will not be able to go tonight. I've been trying to run outside since its been gorgeous weather and I want to eventually run my own half marathon soon. Im training for a run on my own. Anyway, I just want to lose this weight and fit into my old clothes. I hate looking so matronly due to my size. I think writing in this space helps me be more motivated, so hopefully continuing to write will continue to help.

Weight Fluctuations

The scale is doing weird things, like saying I am 4 lbs heavier than I was on Sunday. Normally I would start freaking out, but I know I've not done anything to gain that much weight, so I am assuming its water weight or its just a fluctuation with no explanation. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing.

Slacker

This whole past week has only seen me once at the gym -- just once. What a slacker. I supposedly lost 2 lbs for this week Sunday, so I hope that is actually "true" and not water loss. Either way, I decided to take this week "off" for mental reprieve. I didnt eat much more, but I let myself relax a bit and now I feel stronger for it. This week I want to exercise 4 times this week. Its supposed to be nicer weather this week, so I think it will be more probable that I will run outside more. This week's goal also includes one salad a day.

Twenty Pounds

Its now officially twenty pounds lost! I am back at the weight I've been for 3 years; granted its 10lbs over what I feel "better" at, I know that I can get down that far and beyond. I am eating super clean and I even exercised 1.5 hours on the elliptical yesterday. There is that fine balance between too much and just enough exercise, so I have to be careful about that.

I also tried on my trench and it fit! A little snug, but its always been a little snug. Its a size medium from Target, which are all really larges, so I count that as a large still. My clothes are starting to fit better and I dont have that huge uncontrollable muffin top all the time. Don't get me wrong, I still have a big muffin top, but its just not mammoth like it once was.

What is hard about this whole thing is that I still have 55 lbs to lose. It seems like such a small dent, but I think if I can stick to my 2lbs a week loss I can do it relatively quickly. That is if I can keep the momentum. My body does weird weird things when it gets down below 170 so I know I have to be patient, but its not been bad! I mean I constantly have to be vigilant, I don't really eat out much and I no longer drink wine. I have a full case just sitting there. It will have to wait until I am done with this because wine has a lot of calories that are empty and frankly the calories just aren't worth it. I've seldomly been drinking Bacardi and Diet Sprite or Diet Coke lately.

This next weekend is Easter and its going to be hard to resist the food that I will be exposed to. Its not so hard because I really do not like the food that my fiance's family likes, so it should not be bad. I am planning on bringing a big goat cheese, pepita, arugula and apple salad, so I simply plan on only eating that with 4 oz of turkey breast. I was thinking of baking something indulgent, but I will be tempted with my own food, so I think its smart to take healthy things like perhaps cut-up fruit for dessert/snacks/breakfast. I always have to make sure I bring my own food because my fiance's parents rarely have fruit or veggies- on hand that I can make a quick salad or whatever out of. They have things like lasagna and make things like french toast and strata for brunch. I make whole wheat pancakes and eggs/omlettes for brunch, which is much healthier. They have high metabolisms, so they can afford to eat like that since the men have physical jobs. I usually end up gaining weight when I go, but my new strategy to that has been hitting the grocery store and brining my own food...which is what I like anyway. I'd rather eat fruit and yogurt than almost anything else.

Snow!

It snowed today in Wisconsin - no shocker there, but mother nature has been jerking me around. First it was 80 degrees just a couple weeks back and now the sky is leaking snow/sleet and rain. Its annoying because I had just gotten into running again and now I have to wait until the weather improves to continue running.

Last night even though I had zero motivation, I went to the gym at 8:30 pm. I go to sleep early so this is really late for me. I did an hour workout on the elliptical and I got out of there quickly. I really think that moderate exercise while losing weight has been one of the factors that is helping with my weight loss. I am not hungry like I was when I exercised excessively. I try to workout at least 3 times a week and like it when I get it in 4 times. I really wish I could run outside because its so much easier to lace up my sneakers and get outside in the sun. Going to the smelly gym to be a hamster on the elliptical is not as fun. I just feel like its more natural to run -- there is a sense of accomplishment to say - hey I ran X miles today.

My mood has been better lately. Not perfect of course, but I have been happier and more positive lately. I have also not been as hard on myself as I normally am. I have high expectations of myself but I know I have to be patient with this weightloss. I am just 2 lbs away from the weight I was for 3 years. I gained a ton of weight when I graduated law school and took a month to vacation. I think the stress led to some overeating that I normally don't want to do. It led to a 20lb weight gain in ONE month! I know I should have gained like 5lbs but with hypothyroidism -- my body is just primed to gain if my meds aren't on point. I just found out that I am at the edge of "normal" but I think I needed an increase of medications, so I simply increased my own meds and now I am feeling ALOT better. Once I get to that point in 2lbs I think it will start to feel like real weightloss because right now I am uncomfortably overweight -- overweight like I haven't been in years.

My normal sized, tall boyfriend keeps telling me I am beautiful, but I just laugh and tell him he has love goggles. I mean, I am disgusted by my body and yet I still turn him on. I will never understand men. I am more visual than he is perhaps because I could never deal to be with someone that is as fat as me - but I think its probably just self-hate. Still, I don't and haven't ever eaten enough to be this size.

I just see how fat people eat and they have problems with emotional eating and food in general. I do eat more when I am stressed, but I think its because of the higher cortisol/stress levels rather than an emotional compulsion to just keep eating crap. I feel sorry for fat people and see it more as a mental disease -- its just a symptom for a lot of people. I on the other hand have struggled my whole adult life to eat healthy and I have been pretty good and consistent about it, so I am disgusted by fat people too since they just can't stop -- its the same way I feel abotu drug addicts -- I am disgusted but can understand the addiction.

I just can't relate to people on shows like the biggest loser where they compensate for something by eating. I never did that -- I don't have a huge problem, I mean we all have baggage but I just do not and it makes me angry that I look like I do -- I look like I have no self control when I eat so much better than almost all of the people around me. Honestly, if I did not care about what I ate, I would be like 300 lbs easily, but I am vigilant even when I am "maintaining" or not on a "diet". People say - oh its a lifestyle change -- I never had to change my lifestyle to lose weight -- I simply had to eat a lot less of the healthy stuff I had already been eating. Lame. I am still so angry about that -- that I will have loose skin when I lose weight and its not my fucking fault -- I've had insulin resistance/hypothyroidism since I was a kid!

I guess I am only angry because I saw a picture of myself at a wine tasting -- it was hideous - I had a huge double chin and as an adult I am just not used to seeing myself that way. Granted that was 18lbs ago, but still it just makes me so upset that I have to look like that when my triglycerides are amazing (because I eat so well), but my insulin is through the roof! I am going to take extreme measures to lose this weight -- I will try not to be unhealthy, but its going to take a lot of self-restraint not to undereat because I am just tired of being at this weight.

One more lb

Nothing much to report except that I had a lazy weekend. I was away visiting my boyfriend's family so I got no exercise in. This next weekend I will be there as well, but this time I will pack some workout stuff so that I can either run or lift. I lost 2 lbs last week, but nothing yet this week. I wonder if I can make my 2lb goal.

If I really limit carbs I think I can do it. I've not had any bread since Sunday (had to eat sandwiches on Sat/Sun -- there was nothing else). I will not have bread unless I plan to run 5 miles. I've been having my regular eggs and cheese and yogurt and strawberries lunches.

My eating this weekend was not spectacular, but was not abysmal either. I had a sandwich for lunch on Saturday and Salad for dinner. On Sunday had a Sandwich for lunch/breakfast and then made a big salad for "linner" -- I had a grapefruit at night and didnt really eat dinner I guess. I just wasn't that hungry by the time it was bedtime so I didn't bother with a meal -- I just had small snacks like hummus.

Feeling Good

I am still feeling positive about this weight loss. Granted there are times I am disgusted with how I look, I am suprisingly positive. I am just so happy that I am losing weight at this rate. I really hope that the momentum continues. Only I have control over that, but my body does weird things when it gets down to a certain weight.

I went for another 5 mile "run" aka shuffle down the bike path. It was a pleasant beautiful day, but I have to remember to run before sundown so that the crazy lake bugs do not attack. I managed to evade most of them, but its gross to run into a giant swarm of bugs!

Today I am wearing gold cork 4 inch wedges from Dolce Vita for Target. Its my reward for losing weight. I dont understand how some people reward themselves with food when they lose weight -- it makes no sense to me. Once I have lost another pound (might be tomorrow since the scale is getting down there)I think I MIGHT indulge in some chicken tenders. I don't want to feel deprived. I don't really feel deprived this week because of all the DELICIOUS produce and fruit I got at Cost-Co. I won't be doing major carbs like I normally do -- I'll be getting chicken tenders or something. This low carb thing is really really panning out for me. Its not the typical low carb plan since I had bread before my run yesterday and acai juice afterwards, but its a "whole" grain low carb. I've really only eaten minimal bread and lots of fruit - I haven't had a ton of quinoa, oats or even sweet potatoes and I think that helps too. Those may be whole grains, but they are carby. I've not been eating a TON of fruit either except for a lot of berries, so my plan is really working for me.

I've done a bit of research and found out that low carb for apple shapes works best. They did a study where pear shapes and apple shapes went either on low carb or low fat. Both lost weight, but the apples kept the weight off best with the low carb plan - pears did ok with both plans. I am the poster child for apple shape -- no waist, no hips, smaller legs, fat arms and upper trunk. I am going for broke here. I've never felt so in control. Even when I lost weight the last time I was so desperate -- I was eating too many carbs -- lots of yogurt with artificial sweenteners. I was also running too much or conversely lifting too much and hence was ALWAYS starving. Still at that point I got down to 154. My new goal is 125. I want to be a size 4 or even a 2 if that works. I know to some people it might seem extreme, but I am an intense person with intense goals. I didnt get to be an attorney by settling for things.

Anyway, I have like one reader that comes back consistently -- it would be nice to get a comment.

Good Job!

Good Job! That's what a biker said to me as I was running on a bike/pedestrian trail. I do feel like its merited ;) I must have looked like I was struggling -- it is harder to run at this weight! I ran five miles and walked home from work. I had a really good day and guess what.....I lost a pound!! I now have a 2lb a week goal. I really really hope its realistic. This last week has been a lot easier given the dosage of medications I am on -- I am really positive and happy. I lost a lb even though I am on my period. This is big because whenver I've been on my period in the past meant that I gained 5lbs of water weight. Its so weird that it has not happened this time! I can never keep tabs on that -- it changes so much. I think I am down to normal in terms of testosterone according to my recent lab panels-- so perhaps that has something to do with it.

If I continue to lose weight at this rate I will reach goal in December! I KNOW this will not be the case since my body has plateaus, but most recently I've been able to power through them by simply eating less and exercising more. I also found out that the half marathon I wanted to run does not exist -- my friend told me there was a half marathon option and there is only a marathon option. I think I will train for it with her but I refuse to pay to run. Plus I have to raise like $300 for charity. The problem with that is 1) I hate asking people for money and 2) I work at a nonprofit where people are going to be laid off soon -- so thats a no-go. Either way I promised my friend I would do long runs with her. She runs a BIT faster than me, but she stops -- perhaps its good for me to push myself even though she stops. I can keep my own pace when I run on my own and build endurance and build speed when I run with her.

Lately I've been reading that exercise does not really help weightloss since people tend to eat more when they exercise. I think I have fallen prey to this in the past. I used to exercise like a crazy person -- at least 1.5 hours to 2 hours 5 days a week. I used to be SO hungry! I think I have more willpower with food now -- I sorta have to because I cant exercise that much! I've also been taking orlistat so that's been making my weightloss go even further. I don't eat much fat, but any little bit helps! I am going to ask my doctor to prescribe it to me so I dont have to keep paying for it! Anyway, I think this time around weightloss is about what I eat. I haven't really been eating snacks (unless its a pre-workout bar) and I only have been eating veggies and chicken or salads. I am happy eating what I am eating -- that was never the problem -- it was the time to exercise. Still, I hope I can keep this eating pattern strong. I've not cheated or even had a cheat day in like 3-4 weeks. I used to cheat once a week, but I find that I get sick when I eat foods like that. I prefer to eat one of my homemade cookies and keep the weightloss going. I still think that one cheat meal every couple of weeks is OK, but I have to wait until I actually "need" it. Right now I am going so so strong.

Holding Strong

Yesterday I made coconut "breaded" chicken with broccoli in coconut oil and butter. I've noticed that a higher fat content not only keeps me more sated, but its BETTER for my weightloss -- weird! I've always done the whole low fat thing, but without thought to whether it was a good fat or not. From what I've been reading, coconut oil and butter aren't all that bad for you. I am learning more about my body as I research the whole hypothyroid and insulin resistance thing. My diet resembles at times atkins, but it isn't because I eat as much fruit as I want. I guess I've recently been limiting my carbs quite a bit -- though that is more due to my desire to incorporate more veggiges into my diet.

I also recently ordered a cinnamon supplement. There is a study out there that finds that a gram of cinnamon extract a day helps regulate blood sugar for women with PCOS. Today I brought a couple chicken coconut tenderloins with a strawberry spinach salad -- Im excited to eat it! I think that being more into "food" in terms of cooking only helps my weightloss. There are times when I am not inspired and am not creative in the kitchen and I end up eating cereal or yogurt -- not as healthy as some cooked veggies and a protein!

I've recently set goals not only for my weight loss-- which I am pretty soft on since I think its going to take a year to get to my goal weight. I am trying to revamp my entire lifestyle. I'd like to de-clutter my small apartment - keep it clean and re-decorate a bit. This all points to the fact that I have time! (boo law school) But also that I have the desire for self-improvement. I think I'd like to become a weightloss coach -- or weightloss chef at some point but perhaps only "on the side" to my real job. I've also thought about real estate as a possible way to earn some extra income in California when I move there. I have decided to move back home to my parents home if I get a job in CA so that I can save money for a down payment -- I'd like to re-hab a home and resell it after a few years and upgrade. Anyway-- that is what is on my mind lately.

Yet ANOTHER pound!

I met my goal this week weightwise anyway. I didn't workout as much as I wanted to, but what's important is that I ran 5 miles on Saturday and ran/walked 5 miles on Sunday. I've really been eating clean.

I also made a huuuge trip to costco -- I really think they have great produce for great prices. I am excited to get cooking with all the food that I have!!!

This is really making me happy... all the strict dieting is really working for me. I still cant believe I lost two pounds this week! I am simply gushing with enjoyment. So far I've met my goals except for Splenda -- I bought another big box from cost-co. I only use it in my coffee, but I do need to move away from artificial sweeteners. Right now I just cant afford the calories.

I've decided to run a half marathon -- not a full one because I think the training is too hard on the body! Its going to be in October in DC so I have all summer to train and beat my personal best of one hour and fifty something minutes.

Another lb!

One more pound lost! I haven't tried very hard on the exercise front this week, so this is surprising. Yesterday I had a pretty balanced day meal-wise but did have a couple of indulgences. I had oatmeal at breakfast, chicken spinach salad at lunch with a butter breadstick (I know -- they put it in the container and I just had no self control -- it was soooo goood.) For dinner I had flat out wrap "pizza" and a spinach strawberry salad and two cookies -- one after work and one after dinner. I know I ate a lot and wasnt expecting to lose, but it felt balanced at least despite the cookies and the breadstick.

Today I started my day wtih strawberries, wild blueberries and oatmeal. I will be having 2% greek yogurt with strawberries and blueberries for lunch (I need to use up the berries before they go bad). For dinner I plan to have chicken salad. I am so elated to have lost 15 lbs overall!! I know its not much, but for a hypothyroid,insulin resistant person its a lot!

I have to be more positive. It seems like my meds are kicking in -- I feel a lot better and more "motivated" in general. That is really good because the last few days have been hell at work. Thank God I dont have a lot of work or I would be in biiiig trouble. I can make it up today!

More tired...mentally

So I haven't worked out this week. My eating has been on plan and good, but I've been really really depressed and TIRED lately and I suspect it has a lot to do with my medications. I JUST recently upped the dose so I should be feeling the effects any day now. The biggest battle for weight loss is mental, so hopefully I can get past this little set-back.


Even though I have complained about weightloss blogs I was reading them again lately. I think a lot of people have problems with binging. Although I may overeat at times, its not to the level of binging; I truly do not have a problem with food. Its so frustrating that even my doctors suspect that its ME -- that I've been eating too much when it comes to weightloss. I wish I could change my doctor, but my insurance only covers university specialists, so unless I want to shell out $500 dollars, I am going to have to really complain at the office in May when my appointment is. I am going to come with a list of complaints and questions -- I know they do not know enough about hypothyroidism and PCOS so I will take what they tell me with a grain of salt.


I am disgusted by fat people -- me included. Its the sallow, yellow and grey acne ridden skin that really tells the story of malnutrition-- though not every overweight person has this. I just hate it when people say losing weight is hard -- its not hard if you are NORMAL and I want to shoot daggers at them. I am clinically insulin resistant so I have to take extreme measures to lose weight like exercise 1.5hours.


My skin is clear due to good nutrition. I feel sorry for them because they are simply not getting good nutrition. I feel sorry that they just either don't care about nutrition or dont want to know. My diet is not perfect, but its SO much better than a lot of weightloss bloggers out there. I've read bloggers who have lost like 100+ lbs and their nutrition is still based on packaged foods and nutrient poor things.


My only vice is bread and its my only carb-- I dont eat pasta or potatoes or white rice. Whole wheat bread is just not that nutritious. My goal for the rest of the week thur-sunday is to swap out bread for flatout wraps and to get to the gym each of those days for 1.5 hours or more. I eventually want to phase those out too. I would prefer to get my carbs through squash, sweet potatoes, oats, quinoa and fruit -- which now I do except for bread. I think I can do it -- I will not buy bread next time I am in the supermarket. I have crazy willpower in the supermarket -- I dont buy ANY junk.


I've also finished my sugar free jam so that will have to go too. I am trying unsuccessfully to phase out splenda and use agave syrup instead. Its just so hard when agave syrup doesnt come in convenient packets I can have in my purse. At work I've been using one packet of sugar -- which doesnt even taste good so I might just drink my tea plain -- which I've been doing and its OK. Since I am insulin resistant I think this would help tremendously.


My other goal is to plan my meals out this next week. I dont like planning because I like to only buy produce that is in season and is on sale, but I think planning would help me build better salads. Sorry for all the rambling thoughts but its what's on my mind. I hope my writing improves because right now its all rambly rants -- sorry! Oh well, I just want a place where I can vent -- this is not like a regular blog where I share "how I did it" its simple - eat healthy and workout -- if you cant figure that out you have problems. Yea there are little tips and tricks and different things that work for different people, but at the end of the day its about quality calories and exercise.

Tired, tired, tired.

That has been my whole weekend - sleep and lying down. I think I have to readjust my medication to increase the dose. I've increased it today given my labs being on the cusp of normal, but still being low. Im hoping for results. I think the alli might be interfering with the absorption of my medications but since its been such a big help in getting my weight down I am not going to stop taking it. I also need to remember to take it at lunch time.

I've started thinking about my weightloss and I've been living in the future for so long. What I mean by that is I am living only what I will achieve instead of whats currently happening. I need to be better about appreciating what I have now instead of bemoaning my situation. I think more positive thoughts and goals are in order.

I am still at that one lb loss, but since I've been tired I haven't worked out, and thats truly due to medical things, so I am not upset abouut it. I am annoyed that my entire weekend was spent dozing, but instead of focusing on that I will focus on what I can control and my medication is one thing I can change even if the doctors will not change it. I know my other doctor will change my meds, so I need to make an appointment soon.

Goals for this week include a 2lb weightloss and workouts everyday, even if they are short. I also want to eat fewer carbs and I am taking steps to improve my protein intake. I have decided to give up bread and eat fruits as my carbs. Hopefully it will prove to be doable.

I ate some sugarfree chocolate last night and my stomach hated me. MAJOR intestinal problems leading to lots of time in the bathroom. TMI, but there you go. I've been reading tons of blogs that skinny girls have and it seems that they let themselves have treats (theirs are sweets) and they also eat super healthy and super small portions to be able to do this. I dont think that this would work for me because I like to eat more and I'd rather eat food vs. sweets. I think its all about making the choices that are right for you.

Another goal for the week is to incorporate more vegetables in my diet. I noticed I've been eating tons of fruit but only one or two veggies a day. This has to change! Today I've packed a veggie burger (with tons of veggies) that I made out of veggies, lentils and barley and some fruit. I also need to get more into salad. Because I ate salad everyday for about a year a few years ago, I got tired of them, but the reality is I love salads and I make a mean salad.

Day off

Yesterday I gave myself the day off after I had a chicken wrap with cheese. It was going to be too many calories to recover from. I had a greek salad for dinner with edamame and corn sauteed in coconut oil as a side dish.


I had a craving for something sweet so I decided to make oatmeal cookies. The cookies were EPIC. They have oatmeal, peanut flour, whole wheat flour, toasted hazelnuts, chocolate, organic coconut, butter, eggs, coconut oil and agave syrup. This is by-far the best baked good I've ever made! The cookies were a cross between cookie and cake, but more on the cookie side - they were chewy and soft, but crunchy on the outside. They were really nutty since I put so many hazelnuts in; super indulgent. I ate three giant cookies and put the rest in the freezer for other days when I crave something sweet (rarely happens). Happy day yesterday with good food!


The recipe so I remember. First I took half a stick of butter and softened it in the microwave. I added a tablespoon or so of coconut oil (I needed enough fat for a whole stick-- what the recipe I was adapting asked for). Then I creamed that with a lot of agave syrup. Probably around a cup or so -- not sure really. I added about 4-5 packets of splenda to be sure it was sweet enough since I don't ever bake with agave. Then I added a tablespoon of vanilla extract and two eggs.


In a seperate bowl, I combined a teaspoon of baking soda with about a cup of peanut flour and 3/4 of a cup of whole wheat flour and I added a tablespoon of cinnamon. These are estimates since I rarely measure things. Then I took a fork and whisked it all together and added it into the wet ingredients. After that I added enough oatmeal to make the batter not as wet yet still sticky. I chopped the toasted hazelnuts and chocolate and added them along with the coconut. Then I saw how wet the batter really was and added more oats. When the batter was managable and looked like a regular oatmeal cookie batter, I took huge spoonfuls and made them into balls I put onto the cookie sheet -- three rows of three cookies on parchment paper. They really dont spread much like regular cookies since I added 2 eggs instead of the one egg the original recipe called for -- I really wanted them cakier than regular cookies. This is the best cookie I've ever tasted, the end.

Reflecting

In 2004 I saw on my fitday weight report I was at my lowest. I want to go even lower. This is a long journey and will hopefully only take a year. I feel really good. I forgot how important exercising was to me. When I got sick I was so tired I hated exercising; it was so so so difficult to make it to the gym only to turn back around because I was just so tired. Exercise really does clear up my mind and make my body sore in a good way. I think the endorphins and chemicals that are released during exercise bring me back to the "old me" the more energized person that I was before I got sick. I know that stress really wreaks havoc on my body and exercise is a tool to combat stress. I really need to stay focused and not worry about my joblessness. Something will come up eventually. In the meantime I will continue to work (without pay) and learn and grow. I will likely go to part time and that means I will have more time to cook and exercise, which is not bad. I really need to start being more goal-oriented.


I want to effect change, but I've sorta lost my passion for the work I used to do. There are fewer organizations in this state doing something about LGBT issues; no Latino organizations. I need to start thinking about how to 1) build a people of color coalition, but to do that I need to be involved, happy and fit. I know that sounds odd, but I am waaaay more comfortable networking at a lower weight. Now I judge myself and think that others are judging me too. It just has to wait until I am truly at a healthy weight. That way, I can be focused on what I am doing and not just how I am perceived.


Anyway, this journey really is "one day at a time." Its about doing the right thing every single day -- keeping the motivation to be thinner and happier even though right now its a challenge to be happy when I have so much to lose. Being posititve during weightloss has simply never been a strongsuit for me. Maybe it will come with more lbs lost. I certainly hope so because this worry about weightloss is a loss of time and energy that I can do without.

New Day

Today was good. I went waaaaay over calories but didn't really eat more than usual. I had an extra protein shake in the morning. I don't feel bad about it because I had another 1.5 hour workout at the elliptical. I did feel hungry today, which is a change. I think my stepped up workouts are behind it. I am going to power through that mentally because just like exercise is almost all mental (at least endurance is), so is eating. Sometimes I think I will not be full and I surprisingly am full after a smaller amount. Its about re-training my body on portion size. I will always have to eat less than others, but at least I know its something medical and that its not my fault. Its a big deal to find out its not just me. For YEARS I thought I was just not trying hard enough, yet today on medication and significantly less exercise I am losing.

I realized as I was walking up the gym steps why I don't want to lift yet. You don't know this, but I used to lift really heavy -- it was how I tracked progress because the scale NEVER moved. So in the past, I used to lift almost exclusively. Now I am out to get the most bag for my buck and right now this second that means the elliptical. Anyway, getting back to why I do not want to lift-- mirrors.

There are mirrors everywhere at the gym, but the ellipticals face windows and tvs so I never am forced to look at myself. When I did go down there it was disgusting and I just could not take it. I need to get past it, but I am just not ready to mentally suffer like that. I think tracking weight loss and cardio is what is working for me right now. When I hit a real plateau I will have to start lifting again.

Ive also decided not to do cheat meals that involve carbs. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I will keep it to chicken and hope for the best.

One Pound Down!!!!

So I guess I hit a minor plateau, but powered through it by doing extreme dieting and exercise. Last night's exercise really took it out of me...but I am proud of my hour and a half of elliptical! I'm so exhausted from the workout I hope I can get it together for work. It was hard but worth it. I've lost 14 lbs so far (since the Superbowl), so its not bad. I can't complain because at least the scale is moving. Its taking a lot of effort, possibly more than I had put in before since my diet is a lot cleaner -- a lot of processed foods have been cut both by budget and by design. I am really only having bread and sugar free jelly as my processed foods. I am either going to bake my own bread or give it up. I think I can give it up except for pre-workout snack. I really do need those carbs to fuel my workouts. Since its only 70 calories of bread, I wont be too upset about it. I've decided that my diet is too carb-based. I do not like protein as much as I like carbs, but I've made changes. I had scrambled eggs with real cheese and a protein smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, pommegranite juice, almond milk and protein powder. It was more calories than my regular breakfasts of oatmeal or egg sandwiches, but I think I will see some results. Its funny how much progress keeps me motivated. When I do not see the scale move, I get reallly frustrated. I need more patience but thats a virtue I lack. When I am progressing, I just think about losing a lot less and simply do what I need to do. I am so glad I broke through that plateau, I think with the changes I am making I will continue to make progress. I can't wait for time to pass so that I can be at a lower weight...but that also means I'll be jobless. Oh well... I think bigger things are on the horizon for me, I've just gotta find it.

Calming Down

I need some perspective...I am freaking out that I haven't lost 2 lbs vs. the one that I did lose in one week. Granted, given my calorie deficits and workouts it just does not add up. Life is not fair. I sound so whiny, but it is frustrating.

I need to celebrate the small victories and look at this as a long term commitment and process. I can fit into a Tahari satin tuxedo shirt that I bought when it did not quite fit a bit ago, so thats progress and I will take that.

Today my cals came in at 1200 and I did an hour and a half of the elliptical (yes my feet hurt).

That's enough to be proud of I hope.

Weightloss Blogs

I cannot look at other weightloss blogs. Its too depressing to see how much more other people can eat and still lose weight. Yesterday came in at about 1,100 calories and I haven't seen any weightloss since that one pound loss a while ago. I need to focus on what works for me. Its NOT inspiring to see people lose weight while they stuff their faces with sausage and cheese and cookies. Its NOT inspiring to see really skinny people blog about the brownies, cakes and cookies they make. I do not even have a sweet tooth. I am fed up with this thyroid problem. I am taking medication, so its supposed to be helping, but I am getting frustrated with the slow rate of my weightloss given all that I am putting into it. Perhaps I should not expect so much, but its frustrating to eat so little and yet lose so little. I will get older and that means my metabolism will even slow more -- I mean I can't live eating 900 calories a day, its just not possible. Does that mean that I will always be fat? I think I need an attitude adjustment. I need to just accept what is... I am going to talk to my doctor about this; I wonder if there is a medical intervention that would help? I know I do not eat enough protein, but I hate chicken and would prefer to eat good quality fish, which I cannot afford right now since I am about to be job-less. All that money has to go to my COBRA insurance to pay for my outrageously expensive medication. I know the atkins diet works, but has been really really unhealthy for me in the past. When I last tried it I vomited for days, got the sweats and was nauseaus all the time. My cognitive abilities also go. I need my brain as an attorney -- I have to use it everyday, I don't have a mindless job. I really need to think long and hard about atkins. Its my nemesis since I like carbs so much and they help me workout. I might try it because I haven't been losing at the rate I need to lose and I am at my wit's end. I am tempted not to eat. I have been hungry the past few days...all of these point to more and more extreme behaviors, which can't be good. I just cannot get over this anger... I mean I remember my trainer trying to put me on 800-900 calories. Perhaps its not a bad idea -- if nothing else is working then what the hell do I have to lose? My metabolism is slow as it is...I just do not want to do anything to make it go even slower! I think my exercise needs to go to two-a-days if I want to seriously lose weight. I already get up at 6am. I think I need to think about how important this is to me because it might be worth it to exercise twice a day. I just hate how much this takes over my entire life. It's always depressing and upsetting and there is nothing I can do about it. For me, losing weight is a full-time job. I am so jealous of those obese people and how they lose a million pounds. If I ever went to the biggest loser ranch I would be eliminated the first day. My body is just not made for losing weight. I mean I like eating healthy, that's no problem. Its the amount of food that is driving me crazy and its only going to get worse as I increase my exercise because I always get hungrier when I step up the exercise. I wish there were other people that were going through the same thing... having their doctors look at them quizzically -- asking are you doing enough? Me sitting there telling her I workout for an hour 4-5 times a week and eat 1200 calories. Then she sends me to a nutritionist that tells me I need to eat more protein. At the end of it I just want to scream and tell them that they have no fucking clue what its like to struggle like this. To be eating so well but yet be so f-ing fat.

The weekend

I had a rough weekend. I had a cheat meal on Friday and on Saturday morning I had a 2 hour oral glucose test. I know I am going to not test well because I felt like shit after drinking that much sugar. I slept all throughout the day and was just not well. I didn't even workout. On Sunday I felt better but woke up with a huge kink in my neck. It hurt to move my neck too much. In any case I worked out for an hour and twenty minutes on the elliptical. I did not work out hard or else I could not have worked out that long, so all in all I did well. Food-wise I did OK, but nothing to write home about.

Hypothyroidism

This is depressing me. Perhaps I am getting too focused on this weightloss thing. Its just so hard to see other bloggers and other normal people eat more than me. I'm not feeling super deprived, but its just so hard to be so regimented at such low calorie levels. I hope this is realistic for the long-run because the calories I am at now are 1200-1300 is a guesstimate. I am now tracking them better on fitday. I just try and eat as cleanly as possible, so the calories are automatically low. I am trying to find hypothyroid success stories, but these are few and far between...on messageboards rather than real websites. The thing is I am worried this will start disordered eating.

When I was in college I lost 30 lbs by not eating and exercising 2 hours daily...that was the only thing that worked. It makes sense that it took that much because of the thyroid issues. Anyway I dont want to go to that extreme. I am goal-oriented so thats already a predisposition....once I set my mind to something, it happens. Anyway just venting.

Another day...

So last night I had an OK workout. I mean I didn't "phone it in" but I also didnt push myself as hard. I was tired from my two last hard workouts. All in all I only did 20 calories less than I had the night before so I am OK with it.

I had a really good dinner last night. A couple tablespoons of couscous, green beans and eggs and chicken with artichokes, spinach and lemon and a dusting of parm on top. It was very substantial but pretty low in calories since there wasnt much chicken in the meal and it was all mostly veggies. 3/4 of my plate was veggies. The other quarter was divided up between chicken and literally those two tablespoons of cous cous.

No progress today, just holding on to that 1 lb loss from the other day, which is disappointing but this stuff doesnt happen overnight -- I have to remember that. On a lighter note, I did try on that shirt from my interview and it actually fits, which it really didnt during my interview. That day I had to duct tape it closed! Anyway I got the job so all is well anyway.

One pound loss sustained

It seems like the pound is gone forever because I am exactly one pound less (consistent with yesterday's loss). This is usually not the case because I fluctuate so much from one day to the next. This makes me happy, but the negativity inside me burgeons to the surface when I think about how much is left to just be my "normal."

Patience is a virtue, one that I lack. Still, I think persistence and consistentcy pays off. My workout yesterday went well because I ate dinner beforehand. I ate half a can of black beans with one egg and three tortillas and a smidgeon of cheese...and a pb&j right when I got home. I had my all-time best workout thus far. Seems like I say that a lot, but like I said before, I do push myself hard. Its great to have a TV while I workout - it makes me forget how LOOONG my workouts are and distracts me from the pain. Still, I am proud of my progress. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit, but its so hard when the road looks so so long.

Motivation is a hard nut to crack; its really hard to define how that comes to you, but I think it has something to do with hitting rock-bottom. I hit an all time new high weight (havent been at this weight in ten years) and so I got scared. Scared that it would get worse before it got better. I was incredulous at the number and I knew it would be permanent if I did not do something about it. This miraculous motivation came over me, just like I had before for YEARS. Its only been these last 3 or so years where my motivation tanked. Part of it was not motivation -- I got sick during this time and I got used to being tired ALL THE TIME. Then I suspect this sorta became a habit. Its easier to stay the same and not workout and not try. For two years I didn't gain weight. It was only when I got complacent that it piled on (in one month mind you).

I cant wait to fit into my old clothes, this is annoying me that even though I've lost 13 lbs, my clothes fit almost the same. I know I have to be patient, but 13 lbs is ALOT. I guess I need to remember that NONE of my clothes fit at that size and had to cobble together a suit for my interview even. Maybe I should try on my interview shirt and see if it fits any better.... that's a better way for me to guage progress. The scale is a weird thing for me. Sometimes it moves and sometimes it doesnt. I am thinking of starting to measure, but its just too depressing a thought to know my measurements. I know that sounds weird, but I just dont want to know until I am at that normal weight for me.

Right now things are easy because I am losing. Its when I hit a plateau that the real challenges start. I know I get frustrated and angry because of all the hard work. Here is where measurements should help because for me, I gain muscle weight very easily so sometimes the scale wont move, but clothes start fitting better.

One more pound.

I hate that my writing is so scatterbrained, but this is stream of consciousness... I guess you will just have to deal.

I lost one pound supposedly (according to the scale) but with waterweight you never know. Still the scale said one pound less so I will take it. I had an incredible workout yesterday. 615 calories "burned" according to the machine. Those machines aren't very accurate but I will take the progress I made. One hour on the elliptical at 10/8 strength with an elevation of 15 is good for me. Again no monstrous workout like in the past, but still good for progress.

Last night I had a coconut milk, strawberry and protein powder shake after my workout, a veggie hot dog (gross) and a bit of greek yogurt. I am not sure I ate enough, but I was so tired I just wanted to get to bed. I really tired myself out at the gym, even if my workout was only an hour.

This all reminds me that weightloss is not about a specific diet or exercise method, its just about the mental will to do it. Just eat less calories and exercise (more than 30 mins) and you will lose a bunch of weight. The other thing is consistency and perseverence. You have to do it everyday to make those gains slowly because weightloss is not overnight. I keep telling myself that, but its hard to take.

I am tired of being at this weight and want to simply fit into my size 10/8 clothes again. I feel like that will be the "real" starting point because I always plateau at about that size. Right now I am between a 12 and 14, more on the 14 side, but making progress. I've lost about 13 lbs so far and have quite a bit left to go to be at my "normal" size. My goal weight is 130, but I am not sure how realistic that is. I know that I have the mental strength to get there, but weightloss is tiring, its tiring to constantly be preoccupied about what you are eating and how much exercise you do. In some ways it sorta drives your life and I am ready to be more active in the community, do some activist work -- its something that I haven't done since before law school but working out really takes a lot of time away. The way I used to handle it before was to workout right after work (my gym was a block from my work), so that was easy to do and make meetings. Now, I have to get driven home, change, snack and walk to the gym (~10-15 min walk). This is all precious time. I guess things will get better once the sun starts shining and I can run -- that takes less time even though its just as long a workout because running starts as soon as I leave my house.

I am thinking about running a half marathon, but dont really want to pay to do it. I can simply run it one day -- distance running (10+miles) always made me lose weight, so that is something I will turn to as it starts getting warmer. I am good about not wasting my time working out -- what I mean is I am good about not doing shitty workouts. I typically challenge myself or else I feel I am wasting my time. Maybe when I am at that "normal" weight for me I will buy myself an i-pod as a reward.

Last night some girl got on the elliptical right next to me I suppose to motivate herself because there were plenty of other free ones. I schooled her on that machine. She might have been going a bit faster, but that was at a piss poor low intensity/elevation levels. My calories rocked hers and I stayed on for a lot longer of course. Lame how that is -- people make assumptions about my fitness because of how fat I am. I wish I could wear a sign that says I am fat not lazy -- I have a thyroid issue. Its true, I think of fat people as lazy and gross -- myself included. I know I eat a heck of a lot healthier than "normal" people and can still be susceptilble to weight loss. I eat comparably to thin healthy people, but I am just fat. Its extra frustrating to have to work twice as much just to maintain weight. To lose its a huge effort. I am not even sure I am eating enough calories to maintain long-term weight loss because I dont want to slow down my metabolism (already so slow). I guess for now I have to settle for what works now and change my approach as I go down the road.

My goal is also to lose weight for my next doctor's appointment in May. I just want to tell her that my weight was circumstancial and that its changing now that I am out of school. She thinks I am one of those people that don't really try - - I mean last time she asked me if my chicken was breaded -- as if that were the magic bullet. One I dont fry chicken I bake or use cooking spray and breaded chicken has nothing to do with total caloric intake. Lame. I just want to prove them wrong, that its not me being lazy that it is in fact my condition. I mean right now I have a headache from not eating enough calories, but I ate an egg sandwich (fat free cheese, turkey bacon and one egg on two 60 cal slices) and a tiny bit of greek yogurt, which is more than enough calories and I am not hungry. I can tell that my body is just not used to the exercise and its reacting to it -- mostly in a good way. My skin is better and I have more energy -- better than sitting on the couch all night, which is not typical for me but had been the case (studying) during law school.

Law school is over

So now that I am out of law school, I have made a consistent effort to lose weight. I know it seems like a cop-out to some of you, but for the lawyers amongst you, you know this is real. I had a 20 hour a week part time job and a full course load and I gained 20 lbs. I know this is partly due to stress making me make bad choices, but the food does not account for all the lbs. I know already that when I get stressed out my body responds in kind by gaining weight. I no longer am in despair over this because now that I am on medication, its possible to lose it. It makes it no more easier or palatable an experience, but at least the possibility of losing exists.

I've lost 12 lbs of fat in the last month and a half. This is progress for me. This would have taken herculean efforts before my medication regimen. Now, I just eat right -- my diet is exceedingly clean and have one cheat meal a week along with going to the gym/working out 4 times a week, which is not a lot. Eventually when it gets warmer I expect this to go up to 5 times a week or more.

My exercise has also been on point, but is no where near the exercise regimen that I had to engage in before to lose weight. I had to work out 2 hours a day to lose, 5 times a week. I am not just talking light exercise either. I was training for half marathons or leg pressing 500lbs. Now my fitness is not as great as it once was and thats sorta depressing, but I am making good gains. I was able to run for five miles without stopping, which before would take me 50 mins. at a fairly good pace. Now it takes forever, but I dont put pressure on myself by stressing about it. I think that is one of the major differences in losing the weight this time. Its always on my mind, but its not controlling my life, making me miserable. I just eat clean, exercise moderately and my life is not ruled by rigid exercise and hunger. I think that this time the weightloss might be slower and I think I am OK with that for now. I try to keep what I have lost as a whole into perspective versus what I lose in a week or a few days.

Today's breakfast was greek yogurt (2% with strawberries and blueberries) and coffee with coconut milk. Today's lunch will be a challenge because I am going to a luncheon, but I am armed with granola bars and fruit, so if something is not healthy I simply won't be forced to eat it. I've been consuming a lot of herbal tea and green tea which helps as well. Tonight's dinner is likely to be a salad with steak and butternut squash -- same as last night.

Last night I did not exercise but I do not feel bad about it. I started watching a documentary on Hernandez v. Texas where the Supreme Court found that Mexican Americans are covered under the 14th Amendment despite the fact that they are "racially" white. I won't go into this story, but it was moving and brought tears to my eyes both because it was inspiring and sad at the same time. As an attorney, I was saddened that this kind of stuff was not covered in my Constitutional law class. The story and characters would make a good hollywood movie. A dashing lawyer, a guilty client and an insurmountable fight.