One more pound.

I hate that my writing is so scatterbrained, but this is stream of consciousness... I guess you will just have to deal.

I lost one pound supposedly (according to the scale) but with waterweight you never know. Still the scale said one pound less so I will take it. I had an incredible workout yesterday. 615 calories "burned" according to the machine. Those machines aren't very accurate but I will take the progress I made. One hour on the elliptical at 10/8 strength with an elevation of 15 is good for me. Again no monstrous workout like in the past, but still good for progress.

Last night I had a coconut milk, strawberry and protein powder shake after my workout, a veggie hot dog (gross) and a bit of greek yogurt. I am not sure I ate enough, but I was so tired I just wanted to get to bed. I really tired myself out at the gym, even if my workout was only an hour.

This all reminds me that weightloss is not about a specific diet or exercise method, its just about the mental will to do it. Just eat less calories and exercise (more than 30 mins) and you will lose a bunch of weight. The other thing is consistency and perseverence. You have to do it everyday to make those gains slowly because weightloss is not overnight. I keep telling myself that, but its hard to take.

I am tired of being at this weight and want to simply fit into my size 10/8 clothes again. I feel like that will be the "real" starting point because I always plateau at about that size. Right now I am between a 12 and 14, more on the 14 side, but making progress. I've lost about 13 lbs so far and have quite a bit left to go to be at my "normal" size. My goal weight is 130, but I am not sure how realistic that is. I know that I have the mental strength to get there, but weightloss is tiring, its tiring to constantly be preoccupied about what you are eating and how much exercise you do. In some ways it sorta drives your life and I am ready to be more active in the community, do some activist work -- its something that I haven't done since before law school but working out really takes a lot of time away. The way I used to handle it before was to workout right after work (my gym was a block from my work), so that was easy to do and make meetings. Now, I have to get driven home, change, snack and walk to the gym (~10-15 min walk). This is all precious time. I guess things will get better once the sun starts shining and I can run -- that takes less time even though its just as long a workout because running starts as soon as I leave my house.

I am thinking about running a half marathon, but dont really want to pay to do it. I can simply run it one day -- distance running (10+miles) always made me lose weight, so that is something I will turn to as it starts getting warmer. I am good about not wasting my time working out -- what I mean is I am good about not doing shitty workouts. I typically challenge myself or else I feel I am wasting my time. Maybe when I am at that "normal" weight for me I will buy myself an i-pod as a reward.

Last night some girl got on the elliptical right next to me I suppose to motivate herself because there were plenty of other free ones. I schooled her on that machine. She might have been going a bit faster, but that was at a piss poor low intensity/elevation levels. My calories rocked hers and I stayed on for a lot longer of course. Lame how that is -- people make assumptions about my fitness because of how fat I am. I wish I could wear a sign that says I am fat not lazy -- I have a thyroid issue. Its true, I think of fat people as lazy and gross -- myself included. I know I eat a heck of a lot healthier than "normal" people and can still be susceptilble to weight loss. I eat comparably to thin healthy people, but I am just fat. Its extra frustrating to have to work twice as much just to maintain weight. To lose its a huge effort. I am not even sure I am eating enough calories to maintain long-term weight loss because I dont want to slow down my metabolism (already so slow). I guess for now I have to settle for what works now and change my approach as I go down the road.

My goal is also to lose weight for my next doctor's appointment in May. I just want to tell her that my weight was circumstancial and that its changing now that I am out of school. She thinks I am one of those people that don't really try - - I mean last time she asked me if my chicken was breaded -- as if that were the magic bullet. One I dont fry chicken I bake or use cooking spray and breaded chicken has nothing to do with total caloric intake. Lame. I just want to prove them wrong, that its not me being lazy that it is in fact my condition. I mean right now I have a headache from not eating enough calories, but I ate an egg sandwich (fat free cheese, turkey bacon and one egg on two 60 cal slices) and a tiny bit of greek yogurt, which is more than enough calories and I am not hungry. I can tell that my body is just not used to the exercise and its reacting to it -- mostly in a good way. My skin is better and I have more energy -- better than sitting on the couch all night, which is not typical for me but had been the case (studying) during law school.