Snow!

It snowed today in Wisconsin - no shocker there, but mother nature has been jerking me around. First it was 80 degrees just a couple weeks back and now the sky is leaking snow/sleet and rain. Its annoying because I had just gotten into running again and now I have to wait until the weather improves to continue running.

Last night even though I had zero motivation, I went to the gym at 8:30 pm. I go to sleep early so this is really late for me. I did an hour workout on the elliptical and I got out of there quickly. I really think that moderate exercise while losing weight has been one of the factors that is helping with my weight loss. I am not hungry like I was when I exercised excessively. I try to workout at least 3 times a week and like it when I get it in 4 times. I really wish I could run outside because its so much easier to lace up my sneakers and get outside in the sun. Going to the smelly gym to be a hamster on the elliptical is not as fun. I just feel like its more natural to run -- there is a sense of accomplishment to say - hey I ran X miles today.

My mood has been better lately. Not perfect of course, but I have been happier and more positive lately. I have also not been as hard on myself as I normally am. I have high expectations of myself but I know I have to be patient with this weightloss. I am just 2 lbs away from the weight I was for 3 years. I gained a ton of weight when I graduated law school and took a month to vacation. I think the stress led to some overeating that I normally don't want to do. It led to a 20lb weight gain in ONE month! I know I should have gained like 5lbs but with hypothyroidism -- my body is just primed to gain if my meds aren't on point. I just found out that I am at the edge of "normal" but I think I needed an increase of medications, so I simply increased my own meds and now I am feeling ALOT better. Once I get to that point in 2lbs I think it will start to feel like real weightloss because right now I am uncomfortably overweight -- overweight like I haven't been in years.

My normal sized, tall boyfriend keeps telling me I am beautiful, but I just laugh and tell him he has love goggles. I mean, I am disgusted by my body and yet I still turn him on. I will never understand men. I am more visual than he is perhaps because I could never deal to be with someone that is as fat as me - but I think its probably just self-hate. Still, I don't and haven't ever eaten enough to be this size.

I just see how fat people eat and they have problems with emotional eating and food in general. I do eat more when I am stressed, but I think its because of the higher cortisol/stress levels rather than an emotional compulsion to just keep eating crap. I feel sorry for fat people and see it more as a mental disease -- its just a symptom for a lot of people. I on the other hand have struggled my whole adult life to eat healthy and I have been pretty good and consistent about it, so I am disgusted by fat people too since they just can't stop -- its the same way I feel abotu drug addicts -- I am disgusted but can understand the addiction.

I just can't relate to people on shows like the biggest loser where they compensate for something by eating. I never did that -- I don't have a huge problem, I mean we all have baggage but I just do not and it makes me angry that I look like I do -- I look like I have no self control when I eat so much better than almost all of the people around me. Honestly, if I did not care about what I ate, I would be like 300 lbs easily, but I am vigilant even when I am "maintaining" or not on a "diet". People say - oh its a lifestyle change -- I never had to change my lifestyle to lose weight -- I simply had to eat a lot less of the healthy stuff I had already been eating. Lame. I am still so angry about that -- that I will have loose skin when I lose weight and its not my fucking fault -- I've had insulin resistance/hypothyroidism since I was a kid!

I guess I am only angry because I saw a picture of myself at a wine tasting -- it was hideous - I had a huge double chin and as an adult I am just not used to seeing myself that way. Granted that was 18lbs ago, but still it just makes me so upset that I have to look like that when my triglycerides are amazing (because I eat so well), but my insulin is through the roof! I am going to take extreme measures to lose this weight -- I will try not to be unhealthy, but its going to take a lot of self-restraint not to undereat because I am just tired of being at this weight.